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It’s 19th Century Colonialism Charlie Brown!

Would You Eat A Turkey Made By That Dog?

It is time for more Socio-Political discourse with Good’ Ol’ Charlie Brown and the rest of the gang from Peanuts as we discuss A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. This is more an ode to Colonialsim and Foreign Policy than It’s The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown, which we all know now, was an allegory about the evils of Communism. Don’t worry though, Young Mr. Van Pelt still gets to spout his Marxist bullshit in this little tale as well. All these years we thought Charles Schultz was apolitical. We just never peeled away the layers to reveal his TRUE commentary on World Politics.

This humdinger of a special opens with Schultz classic “Football Sketch”. Lucy, once again representing the United States, lures Charlie Brown to try and kick a football. Charlie Brown will take on many hats in this little ‘”Special”, in this case he takes on the guise of wanting to be American. Lucy’s American Empire aligned brain convinces our man Charles that kicking the football is a Thanksgiving tradition. Since Thanksgiving and Football are both utterly American traditions, she is implying that if Charlie Brown doesn’t kick the football that he is un-American. Charlie Brown, not wanting be branded un-American, agrees lest he be blacklisted by Lucy. If Lucy Van Pelt isn’t the Joe McCarthy of Peanuts then I don’t know who is, because this ploy of hers works. Charlie Brown tries to kick the football and once again Lucy yanks the ball away and Charlie Brown lands flat on his back, just like a Hollywood writer going before HUAC!

Thus The United States Did Yank Their Financial Aid To Support The Third World!

Having been humiliated by Lucy once more, we then skip to Charlie Brown and his sister Sally getting ready to go visit their Grandmother for Thanksgiving. It is during these preparations that Peppermint Patty calls and “invites” herself over Thanksgiving Dinner at the Brown residence. She also invites Marcie and Franklin over. Here is where our little lesson in Foreign Policy comes in. The first thing one must realize about these situations is that Charlie Brown is NEVER going to be the one representing the United States. He is the little guy getting picked on. He is a third world country that is being plundered for resources (i.e. his Thanksgiving Dinner and time spent with his family). The trifecta of Peppermint Patty, Marcie and Franklin represent Old World Imperialism. They invite themselves in, invade, plunder the resources and never really leave. I’ll leave it to you to figure out which 2 of the three represents England and France. I’ve got Marcie for being England just because she is polite for the record. Franklin is obviously representing the United States here at the turn of the 19th Century i.e. due to his obscurity in the realm of Peanuts characters he isn’t front and center. If somehow he could only kick the shit out of Shermy then we would have our own little version of The Spanish-American War. Then people would pay attention to Franklin.

Charlie Brown, being the downtrodden representative of the Third World does the worst thing he can do in a situation like this. He turns to his little Marxist buddy Linus. Linus, no doubt still smarting over the failure of the Proletariat to rise up on Halloween, advises Charlie Brown to prepare a mock Thanksgiving meal. Left with no recourse Charlie Brown agrees. There is a subtext to Linus’s plan. If Charlie Brown can provide a a meal demonstrating what he, as the Third World, actually has to offer then maybe France, England and The United States will be reluctant to intrude on him again. Thus, with this plan in motion they devise a beggar’s banquet of a meal which they get the insane dog Snoopy to cook.

I am not even going to get into the whole wrongness of having a dog prepare your dinner. Fuck, we never see Snoopy doing dog things that much. I’m guessing when the camera is off he is just as busy licking himself as the next dog. I mean if he is anything like the dogs I’ve known in my life, he probably still puts his nose in stuff he shouldn’t and would probably eat his own vomit if left to his own devices. We must not romanticize Snoopy by making him more human. He is a dog and if people treated him as such more often then perhaps they would do the right thing and put him down. He obviously is insane which can only mean one thing… RABIES! I ask you: Where is Atticus Finch with a shotgun when you need him?

Ok! back to our story… The meal of the Third World is prepared and represented as the following:

1. 2 Slices of Toast, Buttered
(Implying The Third World Can’t Feed Itself)
2. A Handful of Pretzel Sticks
(Implying Their Houses Are Made Of Sticks)
3. A Handful Of Popcorn
(Eat All You Want, You”ll Still Be Hungry)
4. A Smattering Of Jellybeans
(Implying That Ronald Reagan Is Mocking Them)

With Peppermint Patty being France in this scenario, she is outraged that such a poor cuisine is put before her and demands to know just the hell is going on. Charlie Brown is humiliated and leaves the table having failed to impress his oppressors. Marcie, being utterly proper and what not, reminds Peppermint Patty that the Third World did not invite her to come over, she invaded the Third World. Franklin remains silent on the matter as he just waiting for Shermy (Spain) to step out of line. Realizing that she has exploited her friend, Peppermint Patty asks Marcie to apologize for her. This completely representative of how the World Stage of Politics work. Nine times out of ten, when a peace deal needs to be brokered or one country needs to apologize to another they use the British as their go between. Marcie goes to Charlie Brown and begins to apologize. Peppermint Patty then does something very out of character for France, she apologizes. Could I have mis-cast Peppermint Patty? Is she a humbled Germany after World War I? Japan after Commodore Perry brought his Black Ships into Japan? I mean the French never apologize for shit. They could nuke Guam tomorrow and claim that Guam was provoking them. They then would drink jugs of wine and suck on a few garlic cloves… or so I would imagine since this is what I’ve always imagined the French doing. Oh that and getting conquered by the Germans. We can’t forget that. If you need to invade France then, by all means, get the Germans to do it; it is like their National past-time.

The French Voice Their Displeasure Over The Proceedings...

Finally, with this mess resolved, it is 4 O’clock. Charlie Brown and Sally are supposed to be at their Grandmother house for Thanksgiving Dinner already. Charlie Brown calls his Grandmother to explain that he will be late because he has company over. I imagine Charlie Brown’s Grandmother to be some kind old woman because she just up and invites everyone over for Thanksgiving dinner. Huh? First of all, don’t these other kids have families? I know the Little Communist does. Its not like the Peanuts characters are all orphans. we know Charlie Brown and the Van Pelt kids have parents. At various times throughout the comic strips other characters always make reference to their parents. What parent doesn’t FRAK OUT on their kids when the kid tells them they aren’t spending Thanksgiving with the family?

Ironically Peppermint Patty, Marcie and Franklin all get their Imperialist meal because not only did they invade Charlie Brown’s home uninvited, they get to STAY for Thanksgiving Dinner at his Grandmother’s house. This just might be the most educational of all the Peanuts specials since it is teaching you about Old World Imperialism/Colonialism. Back in the late 19th century and early 20th century it was about taking over underdeveloped nations to acquire their resources. We didn’t do it under false pretenses like looking for Weapons of Mass Destruction. It was a simple case of “You have it, we don’t and we are bigger than you”. That pretty much is the lesson of this “Thanksgiving Special”. Charlie Brown, as the Third World, cannot hope to win against the bullies of the Old World and burgeoning Superpower. Fuck you have 2 characters that represent the US in this story (Lucy in the opening and Franklin later on). He is Charlie Brown and he just can’t win. I mean the kid’s best friend is fucking Communist for chrissake, how is he supposed to get ahead?

So this wraps my analysis of A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. If you thought this was insane just wait until It’s Arbor Day Charlie Brown or the Linus-centric It’s May Day Charlie Brown. OK, I admit I made that last one up… or did I?

On Frustration…No… Not Quite…

Don't Say You Weren't Warned!

Frustration plagued me on Thurday morning. In case you couldn’t tell by my lack of spellcheck or actually editing, the articles that get put up on Brave Blog are usually written betwen 8:30am and 11am. I never have have any idea about what I’ll write unless I’ve just watched the episode of V or got my comics in the mail. Thus a lot of what gets published on WordPress by me is very seat of my pants. This is why Thursday was so fucking frustrating. I had woken-up at 8am and done my morning routine of using the toilet, taking a shower and then getting dressed. I usually don’t leave for work until 1:30 in he afternoon, thus I have plenty of time to write.

I pretty much wrote from the moment I sat at the computer at 8:34 am until about 10:45am. Another half an hour gets tacked on to pull-up whatever pictures and links will get inserted in the article. I honestly can no longer remember what was written on Thursday. It didn’t involve comics I know that much for sure. It may have been about movies because I do remember there was a running joke through the whole thing involving Orson Welles. I was inserting the last of my links for the article when the computer seized-up on me. A Complete Freeze. I was a little more than livid. I am not as physically active as I should be, thus I rely on ‘mental exersize’ a lot more. Writing a rant/article for Brave Blog is my morning mental exersize. Banging out between 1000-3000 a day is the perfect way to get my brain active for the day ahead. Gettting my thoughts down about shit that matters to me has become a means to prevent my day from starting off really shitty. It isn’t the only reason I write but I’m not ready to discuss that reason with everyone just yet.

This computer freeze forced a reboot of the system and I lost everything I had just written. Yes, I’m well aware I should’ve been saving my progress as I went along but I was a victim of my own hubris. By this I mean, when I have written with something I REALLY like, I will pat myself on the back a bit too much and forget simple things, like saving my work. Now I also lose myself as I write as I keep wrapped up the more I go. Once I latch onto a topic to write about, I’ll take it to its end. The thing is, since I never know what I am going to write about when I sit down, I will start on something and then about 2 paragraphs in realize that “I really don’t want write about this”. Thus I delete my work, since I don’t really like what I’ve got so far, and start fresh. Very few entries on this blog have been the first thing that comes into my head in the morning. Last week’s little history lesson Frederic Werthamis an example of me having started on 2 other ropics before I started talking about Wertham and The Comics Code Authorirty. The strange thing is, I didn’t even realize I had been writing about them until I was about 800 words deep into the article.

Stan Lee Has Nothing To Do With Frustration... Unless You Are Jack Kirby...

I truly believe anyone who writes loses themself while writing and has those moments when they suddenyl realize “Wow… did I really just write this?”. I’m not saying this happens to just ‘Good’ writers. I really believe it happens to all writers and people who sit down to write. I am much more of the latter and less of the former. I am not a writer, strictly speaking, I am schmuck with a blog. The fact that people are finding themselves checking this blog out by accident is cool. The fact that some of you actually find yourselves coming back is even cooler because it means I’ve at least piqued your interest in some fashion. The things I write about are not for everyone after all. I mean just because you stumbled over to Brave Blog because you wanted to read about Flash Gordon doesn’t mean that you are here to read about my ramblings about Robert E. Howard. Some of you are people I know and a lot of you are people I will never know. It is a little odd yet simultaneously pretty cool that there might be someone out there right now reading this, that I’ve never met, who might get a good laugh from It’s A Marxist Conspiracy Charlie Brown or sit and think about the history of comics in America based on “Frederic Wertham Was A Douchebag aka Hooray For The Comics Code Authority!”.

Kaori Yoneyama Wrestles For A Living, Thus She Will Not Be Discussed Here!

There are somethings I choose not to write about and that is completely intentional. I will not write about Professional Wrestling, no matter how much I love it. I do this because there are better places to read about and discuss it here. Besides, talking about comics, my gaming group and anime is enough nerdery for one blog wouldn’t you say?

Amazingly, even though I write my thoughts and post them on the World Wide Web for all to see, I somehow maintain that I am a private person and in so statingthis, will rarely, ifever discuss my personal life on here. Besides, my life is kinda dull and I’m pretty sure none of you want to herar about it. I’ll tell you what I read and who I game with. Those aren’t personal matters, those are literary and social ones. That having been said, I will never use this blog to talk about if I’m depressed or suffering in some way because that isn’t why you’ve come here. You come here because you want to hear me talk about how awesome Stan Lee is and why I love comics. You may come here to read some ridiculous rant about the Frenchor some such and don’t want a downer rant. You’ve got your own depressing bullshit to deal with so why read about mine?

I will also avoid talking politics for the most part. I view myself as a liberal or the record but I am not, by any means some tree-hugging hippy. I am not a Libertarian that is really a Republican but won’t fess-up. I hate douchebags like that, for the record. Those people really aren’t Libertarians and really don’t understand what that term means. I believe one’s politics are one’s own business. Now you are more than welcome to talk about such things with me but I also reserve the right to rebutt what your saying whether I agree with you or not. I just will not do it here. I also reserve the right to walk away from a conversation if you are just to damn thick-headed and accept that my opinion is just that, MY OPINION! Besides, I’m so utterly disgusted with modern US politics that I could just beat Winnie The Pooh to death! Politics is the art of compromise. Partisnaship has ruined American Politics and made it into this ugly, brutal monster that we would be best served by throwing out the Republic and installing TRUE Democracy. If history has taught us anything it is a Republic is one of the MOST corrupt forms of Government to ever be devised. Now that I’ve written this, I fully expect to have a bright, new FBI file on me to have been opened. This is why I will not talk politics here.

So I guess you people that are sticking around are just going to have to del with me talking about comics, movies, TV and naime. I know it is a terrible cross to bear and I ask that you bear it with me becasue I seriously refuse to bear it alone. This is mainly due to my bad back and my belief that most things in our world of perpetual pop culture are truly awful these days. I remain a cunic critic (and MASTER of Alliteration) who never really looks forward to anything anymore because believing in George Lucas has taught me better. Let me put it this way to you… I’d rather be wrong and pleasantly surprised by something than be right and miserable or excited for something and then left dissatisifed.

So my little attempt to talk about “Frustration” has resulted in a talk about what to expect and not expect from yours truly. See what I mean about getting lost in what I write? shit, I don’t even… remember… what was I talking about again? Was I talking about Stan Lee again?

10 Of My Favorite Bad Movies – The 5 That Didn’t Make It!

With 10 Of My Favorite Bad Movies wrapping up this week, it seems only fair to take a look at soe movies that just missed the cut. I mean there are hundreds of movies that are worse than Billy Jack, but they are not nearly as much fun to watch or to make fun while watching. The key lies in that while Cobra is terrible, it is terrible in a way that makes it almost palatable. I mean no one should have to sit through a bad movie that is… well… y’know… bad… a movie that is so bad that you cannot laugh at it, is a movie I have no interest in seeing, nor should you. So here are 5 movies that just miss the cut.

manos_the_hands_of_fate11. Manos The Hands Of Fate – This movie was already immortalized in the best-worst episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. I could never be as savage to this movie as Joel and the bots were so why try? Besides trying to watch the non-MST3K version of Manos is pure torture. The movie is SO BAD that you just sit there, numb to the world and you come out of watching it looking like you just visited the Yad Vashem Memorial. Manos The Hands Of Fate NEEDS the running MST3K commentary because otherwise it is just plain unwatchable!

judge_dredd2. Judge Dredd – Sweet Jesus! Another Stallone flick? Really? Yes and on top of that, it is another BAD COMIC BOOK MOVIE! Stallone murders the english language, Rob Schneider hams it up for the camera and we don’t even get Judge Death. This crapfest is really bad and deserves every bit of vitriolic hate I can muster. Sly and director Danny Cannon make me hate Judge Dredd, something I didn’t think was possible. I mean Judge Dredd is a movie that makes me so mad because it doesn’t even try to get anything right. It fails as a representation of the comic (though Constantine fails way more as representation of its source material) and it fails as any sort of entertaining cinema. In other words Judge Dredd just fails!

AcesIronEagleIii3. Aces: Iron Eagle III – Y’know, Iron Eagle was a decent little Pro-America flick. I mean it was pretty much Top Gun-lite but it is totally inoffensive to watch on your local cable station during a rain delayed baseball game. However, it totally didn’t merit a sequel, let alone 2 sequels. Choosing which of the 2 sequels is worse or more improbable is actually quite simple. Aces: Iron Eagle 3 has the distinction of featuring Sonny Chiba, yes THAT Sonny Chiba, as a grumpy pilot that doesn’t get along with anyone. The entire theme of the film was mocked in an episode of Family Guy, as well it deserved to be. This also makes it the WORST movie of Sonny Chiba’s career and I satthrough Message From Space! But back to Iron Eagle II… You can take the worst of the Police Academy movies and it is still better than Iron Eagle III. In summation, this movie makes Iron Eagle II look like it is less than a piece of shit. That in itself is quite an accomplishment.

KK34. Karate Kid III – How bad is this movie? So bad that 2 of my friends who love The Karate Kid didn’t even know it existed! They thought the Mr. Miyagi Saga (because really, who gives a shit about Daniel anymore?) went Karate Kid, Karate Kid II and The Next Karate Kid. They either were either in denial about Karate Kid III ever existing or intentionally blocked it from ther minds. To do either is actually perfectly acceptable. I mean the concept of Cobra Kai getting their revenge on Daniel is fucking fantastic in theory but man did it Blow Moses in execution. I mean Cobra Kai Sifu John Kreese shouldn’t be relying on his rich buddy from ‘Nam to recruit a dirty fighter. Kreese should’ve found his own fighter and trained him to be an absolute killer. I mean the plot that Kreese and his buddy Silver come up with is just way to elaborate and stupid to ever be effective. Honestly though, I know why this movie sucked hog dick and it isn’t just the story… it lacked Tamlyn Tomita, who played Daniel’s Japanese girlfriend Kumiko in the previous movie. This movie would’ve been scads better with her returning to cheer Daniel on and possibly give him some Exotic Oriental Massage. Wax On, Wax Off indeed!

night-of-the-lepus5. Night Of The Lepus – The premise of this movie is so incredible that it deserves a spot on the actual top 10 list, but it being horrible overall precludes it at the same time. I mean thje story is about a crazy scientist trying to interrupt the breeding cycle of rabbits through use of newly developed serum. Of course his daughter gets attatched to the serum’s final test subject, swaps him out with a rabbit in the control phase of the experiment and things just get worse from there. If you are still reading this synopsis of Night Of The Lepus and are still interested in the rest of the article, congratulations. I’m WRITING this synopsis for Night Of The Lepus and I don’t want to continue! Anyway, control rabbit escapes, breeds and this results in the next generation of Super Bunnies to become Giant Carnivores. Now when I sat Giant Carnivores, i don’t mean they get big appetites for meat. I mean they grow t othe size of a house and EAT PEOPLE! This movie should rule, I mean you’ve got human beings getting devoured by GIANT rabbits. Even better is that we’ve got DeForrest Kelly in this bad boy. Dr. McCoy versus Giant Rabbits, what’s not to love?

So there are the fabled 5 that missed the cut. I mean if you feel you MUST watch all my selections, then by all means hunt down a copy of Night Of The Lepus. I wouldn’t recommend it but please feel free. Trust me, at least the 10 mivues that got selected for my final list are bad but in a good way. These movies above, are just plain bad. I mean if KISS Versus The Phantom Of The Park wasn’t a TV movie, it would so be in my top 10. Fuck I’ probably have EVERY Lifetime Original movie that ever starred Greg Evigan on these lists… but that would require me to watch Lifetime (or the Lifetime Movie channel, yes such a thing is real) and that my friends will never happen! So my final words of wisdom, only watch these movies if ou are forced to at gunpoint. Because your life being threatened is the only should you ever watch Aces: Iron Eagle III!

Its A Marxist Conspiracy Charlie Brown!


Workers Of The World... UNITE~!

Hey its Halloween this Saturday, ain’t that something?

I’m not usually a Halloween guy. Most people use Halloween as an excuse to let their freak flags fly unfettered. Good for them, I just don’t get all crazy for it like when I was a kid. Still, there are things every year I look forward to with the advent of Halloween. First and foremost is that classic tale of man versus conformity Its The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown. My lord, if this 22 minute little political/social allegory isn’t the most brilliant thing I’ve ever watched then I don’t know what is!

See we have our everyman character in Charlie Brown, who struggles to be accepted by his snobbish peers. Let’s face it, Charlie Brown is a schmuck, he is constantly searching for acceptance by the asshole children he hangs out with and all they give him in return is pure ridicule. Sweet lord, the fact that Good Old Charlie Brown hasn’t freaked out at 10 and killed everyone is a god damned mircacle. Reading Charles Schultz is like some fucked up version of Ayn Rand and given what a nutjob Ayn Rand was that should tell you something!

I mean all Charlie Brown wants in this story is to get some candy via ‘Trick or Treating’, and then go to Violet’s Halloween party afterward. Sure, he gets the invite to the party but Violet pretty much states that she doesn’t want him there. Even worse is that his attempts at candy gathering always end up with him getting a rock. That right there symbolizes the futility of Charlie Brown. He has been given the instrument of revenge against a party that has wronged him, in this case the people who won’t give him candy. They have provided him the means by which he can play a trick. But he is Charlie Brown, wishy-washy, stuck in neutral and not going anywhere no matter how much progress he makes. He won’t throw that rock and even worse is that he knows he won’t… EVER! Then he goes to Violet’s and is mocked by his peers as a perfect model for the Jack O’Lantern. In one night he is proven to be impotent and then emasculated. His humiliation is endless, just a perpetual ode of failure so pitiful it is less than mediocre. My God! Charlie Brown is the moderate wing of the Democratic Party!

Then we have Linus, the boy genius that is accepted by society but doesn’t actually fit in with it. There in lies the genius of his character. Is it any wonder that Charlie Brown has Linus as a best friends? Charlie Brown is a normal kid who people actively choose to dislike. Linus is a kid they actually SHOULD DISLIKE but accept. Together, Charlie Brown and Linus are an outcast group, always teetering on the fringe. Linus also has to deal with his bully of a big sister Lucy. Lucy bullies both Linus and Charlie Brown. She gets her way through strong-arming and psychology. She is the Ugly American in every sense. In this scenario Linus and Charlie Brown are any major Third World country. But I digress…

Linus is actually the major outcast in this tale. He has the opportunity to be in the group but opts to stay in the pumpkin patch hoping that The Great Pumpkin will come. My lord! If this isn’t a metaphor for Communist Revolt, then I don’t know what is! See Linus is a pinko-commie Bolshevik, sitting on the sidewalk telling people that the workers of the world will unite and if they join the cause then the revolt against their masters will begin. See, The Great Pumpkin is the Bolshevik Revolution, The Pumpkin Patch represents joining the communist movement and Linus is… fuck… Linus is Carl Marx? I didn’t even see that one coming!

The other children here, including Lucy and Charlie Brown, try to talk Linus out of his Bolshevik ways. Lucy tries her usual method of ridicule and Charlie Brown tries reason. Both fail and only further strengthen the little Marxist in his belief that the Revolution will come. I give Linus mad credit for sticking to his beliefs. Hell, he even proves his atheism earlier in the show by denouncing Santa Clause (a metaphor for religion) in favor of The Great Pumpkin (The Communist Revolution).


Good Grief! Are You Or Have You Ever Been A Member Of The Communist Party?

Then, as always, there is Snoopy. I am not a Snoopy fan. I’ve always identified more with Charlie Brown as a youth due to my own issues of acceptance at school and at home. My inability to be accepted by all led to me developing a half-assed way of accomplishing my goals. Those feelings of lack of acceptance lessened when I was shipped to boarding school, though they were still there. Understand at a small private boarding school, everyone has to get along on some small level. You can utterly despise someone and ostracize them but chances are that the people that are doing the ostracising have already ostraciszed others that you can then identify with and befriend. You savvy what I’m saying?

Snoopy is the anti-thesis of both alienation and acceptance. He is an individual that lives in pure fantasy and doesn’t rely on the social dynamics of others to feel accepted. I mean he is a dog after all, but a very remarkable dog. He is the escapist we all wish we could be but can’t because if we did, we’d be classified insane. To be Snoopy is not a good thing, not in the least. It measn you have lost all touch with reality.

In the end, Linus is left disappointed when the Revolution doesn’t come. Even worse is that it is Charlie Brown’s insane dog that rises out the pumpkin patch, proving once again that the Pumpkin Patch is just that… A Pumpkin Patch. Even more telling is that the Ugly American, Lucy, brings her brother in from the cold thus proving that regardless of political belief, America will always take him in.

So what did we learn today?

Well, for starters, Linus Van Pelt is a dirty Communist. I mean c’mon, if you didn’t realize this before then you haven’t REALLY been watching those Charlie Brown specials closely enough. Charlie Brown is the man afraid to speak up and be heard and even when he tries to do that he is shouted down. Sadly even when he does succeed, he manages to fail on a spectacular level. He is every moderate Democrat to ever get elected. He isn’t conservative enough for his peers and he isn’t liberal enough for Linus. As for Lucy, she is U.S. Foreign Policy under Kissinger. She’ll bomb the fuck out of Cambodia just to show the Vietnamese that she means business. Finally, the most important thing we can determine from reading Peanuts and watching Its The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown! it is this… Charles Schultz was FUCKING INSANE!

Don’t miss Its The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown! Tonight at 8pm on ABC! YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE BUT YOUR CHAINS!

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