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The Grand Adventure or “Will You All Please Shut Up & Play The Game?”

Let The Arguments Begin!

I love my gaming group. That is I love my CURRENT gaming group. My old gaming group fell apart because of many different things not the least of which was me trying to get actual gaming done amidst people talking about “the old days” or random tangent conversations popping up. It also didn’t help that yours truly is the DM and I have the attention span of a hummingbird on meth. This does not make for a good gaming group. It was a great group of friends to hang out with but a goddamn awful group to game with if you want to actually get gaming done.

So say hello to gaming group… I dunno like version 4.7? I’ve herded together so many cats for random games over the years that I’ve lost count of just how many of these things have been done. So far there have been 3 failed Oriental Adventures campaigns, 1 failed Forgotten Realms game, 1 failed Werewolf: The Apocalypse game, 1 failed Marvel Superheroes game, 2 failed original AD&D games, 1 failed Star Wars campaign and 1 failed Starfleet Academy game. Now I wasn’t the DM for all of these but for one reason or another things always managed to fall apart with most of the same core people. We have managed to complete 1 Oriental Adventures campaign aka The Epic of Igano and my buddy Grill Ninja’s AD&D campaign set in his world of Hartwood.

Dear lord our completion rate as players sucks. Like really bad. The last game I put the kibosh on myself when I couldn’t take the constant talking and tangent conversations. I lost control of the game altogether and just said fuck it. My players were very mad at me for this. The truth was I was totally burned out on table top gaming. I’d just played too much, usually as Dungeon Master more often than not, that it was slowly killing my love for the hobby. I stopped playing altogether for 4 months until my dear friend Cindi made the most obvious suggestion that I’m stunned I never thought of it. “You know” she said, in that tone which indicates great wisdom at the expense of you seeming like a dumbass, “You could just might need to game with a new group”.

Dear lord the answer to my problem had been there all along. New people to play with, the idea was so simple that it had to work on some level. More importantly I needed to play a character, no DMing for me; I knew I wasn’t ready for that again at least. I also needed some diehard players as opposed to the casual players I had grown accustomed to. Diehard players want the game to move forward and actually progress. Remember kids, Dungeons & Dragons is story based Role Playing, no story progression and the diehard player loses interest.

After 3 months of playing various one night sessions and a few board games, I felt comfortable enough to want to not only play, but DM again. I slowly began putting together a new game world, some of which had elements carried over from my previous game world the continent of Sanctuary (one of the failed campaigns no less, which could possibly have been a bad omen).
So let me introduce this group as it stands currently. First there is Eric, an old school gamer who cut his teeth on the first edition of D&D and AD&D. That means he played the old TSR box sets. He is playing a Half-elf Assassin. Somehow, despite him trying to be all sneaky and non-descript it is this character that has ended up as the de facto leader of the group. Eric remains absolutely baffled by this turn of events.

Next is Rob with his human Duskblade. No character has been more of a headache for me as a DM than this one. He decided to play a human raised by elves, thus giving his character into elven history and culture. Of course in my game world Elves don’t exactly like anyone that isn’t an elf. This allowed me to fuck with his character a bit, since he envisioned his character as being raised by an elvish noble family. I let him have that, but I tweaked it, it is a low end elvish noble family, doomed to spend their lives in the elish diplomatic corps. The Diplomatic Corps has a very inflated opinion of themselves as how to how important they are to elvish culture and politics. Rob wasn’t happy to find out that his family is at the bottom of the social ladder of elvish society simply because of committing one major faux pas. They took a non-elf into their family. Elves in my game world are pretty much racist douchebags.

Then there is Cindi, who has broken her oft-times annoying tradition of playing only elvish rangers to instead opt for an elvish druid. It might seem like a lateral progression but I’ll take what I can get with Cindi. She is, after all, the most stubborn person I know (Editor’s Note: Hi pot, meet kettle. You’re both BLACK!). The switch in character class has led to Cindi being a lot less bossy and demanding of the rest of the party and taking more of a support role in this game. It is kind of refreshing to have Cindi not trying to boss everyone around for once.

Next is Mike running his warlock. His warlock that willingly allowed himself to get infected with Lycanthropy. There is nothing like having a guy that can turn into a Thundercat and throw some decent damage with his spells. The thing is Mike plays his character real low key making for a fun character. He and Eric really shine as the 2 major players in the party. Eric prefers to strike from the shadows (I mean he is an assassin) while Mike can split his time between upfront combat and long distance attacks if need be. They make for quite the dynamic duo.

These are the only people that started with the campaign that are still playing in the game. We lost our Halfling ranger and elvish cleric early on. The Halfling died when one player decided to stop playing. The cleric only showed up once but the character lingered on before being crushed to death by a chain demon. We added 3 more players along the way though. Brenda joined the game as an elvish Druid, an elvish druid who has never left the forest and was raised by an old Halfling druid that is sort of a local legend to the elves of my game world. Needless to say Brenda’s character found a city to be a wonderful place to explore. We also added Chris, who replaced our old elvish ranger with his own. He decided to play a female elf at that who is an outcast from elvish society. Now it is kind of cliché top play an elf that way but damn does he do it well. From the start he has played his elf as loud and abrasive, which really explains why the other elves do not want him around. Hell at first the rest of the party couldn’t stand him but things settled down and now the party is somewhat cohesive. I say somewhat because man do arguments over the stupidest shit break out. Lastly there is William with his female monk. Try as he might poor William hasn’t really gotten to kill anything but he did manage to get jacked in the head by the recurring villains, The Payne Sisters. William’s time to shine will come. I hope.

Can Rob use his horse to trample an orc while Rob is unmounted?
Fight! (Cindi v. Rob)
Do elves actually sleep?
Fight! (DM v. Chris)
Why isn’t Brenda’s character allowed to go explore the city?
Fight! (Brenda v. Rob)
Ken v. M. Bison?
FIGHT! (Ken v. Bison SF: IV)

I mean it doesn’t help that I’ve put the party into a story where they have to deliver a relic to the dwarven Kingdom of Golden Boot. This artifact has no less than 7 different political groups all vying for its power and thus all of them are trying to get the gem from the party in one way or another. Between Dark Elves, Dwarven Clan rivalries, The Church of The God of Commerce, The Elven Diplomatic Corps, The Yakuza families of Igano and who knows what else, it is a miracle the entire party hasn’t just said “Fuck this shit” and gone home. Instead, some of the party is cooking up a plan to throw a monkey wrench into my carefully laid plans. But I’m a well-trained DM; I got some tricks up my sleeve that I am just waiting to use. Plus, I’ve got a hell of a twist for them coming up that I may, or may not have telegraphed. See there really hasn’t been a real antagonist introduced as of yet, just factions. Man do I have a big evil bad guy made up for them, I almost feel sorry for them. Almost because apparently I can’t roll to hit them to save my life, which means I can’t even mount an effective threat against them. Welcome to the eternal stalemate.
So between the in-game fighting, my inability to kill the party and random conversations about the old days, how exactly does this gaming group stack against the old one?

Oh no you don’t! You can’t make me open up that can of worms!

I Really F*#%ing Hate Drittz Do’urden!

I Really, REALLY Hate Drizzt!

Speaking as a person who reads Fantasy/Sword & Sorcery novels I’d like to state something that is going to be divisive amongst my core group of friends. I really hate reading anything featuring Drizzt Do’urden. I bring this point up because R.A. Salvatore is looking to inflict yet another trilogy of books featuring Drizzt as the main character. Now ignore the fact that the any books put out by TSR/Wizards Of The Coast/Hasbro, that aren’t game manuals, are some of the most generic and predictable fantasy fiction you’ll ever read because as boring and predictable as all those books are, any book featuring Drizzt is even more predictable.

I really can’t think of one novel series related to Dungeons & Dragons that isn’t utterly by the numbers in terms of plot and direction. Sorry kids, Dragonlance is schlock. Forgotten Realms is just as bad. There is nothing that happens in any Forgotten Realms book that I haven’t predicted happening after getting to about the fourth chapter of any given book. Fuck reading a Dungeons & Dragons Dungeon Master’s Guide is more thrilling than reading any fiction based on Dungeons & Dragons itself. It is always the same shit. Let me break it down:

1. Book features a party of adventurers that will have at least 1 magic user, 1 fighter, 1 thief and any other random character classes
2. For some reason there must be some type of Halfling involved in the party proper.
3. There is a dark force rising… ALWAYS!
4. Someone will betray the party. They don’t have to necessarily been in the party but 9 times out of 10 they are
5. By the end of whatever book you read, be it part of overreaching saga or a standalone, nothing really gets resolved.

OK I promise you of the 5 things listed above, at least 3 will occur during the course of your reading. Now the first thing is a given. You can’t have a TSR Fantasy Novel without a party of adventurers. Given that most of these books were started as actual gaming sessions a party is a must. The problem is every party always seems to be the same dull line-up. I’ve been playing Dungeons & Dragons some 20+ years and never have I played with such a generic line-up. Sure I’ve had to deal with player’s who will only play elven rangers or someone who always undermines the party in general and thus undermines the story being toled but every TSR book there is 1 Fighter, 1 Magic User and 1 Thief. Now sometimes this will be circumvented by dual-classing a character so your Fighter doubles as as your magic user. It doesn’t change a fucking thing. It is still the same fucking dynamic.

Drizzt Do’urden is a Ranger, so already he falls under the Fighter category. Even worse, as a Ranger he has access to small number of spells. See? SEE? Fighter/Magic User right there! Even worse, he is written as an unstoppable superman in every book. You can only read so many books with Drizzt before you realize “They are never going to kill this fucker”. By Book #2 in Drizzt first series, The Icewind Dale Trilogy, you’ve pretty much figured it out that as cool as most of the other characters might be, Drizzt is Mr. Showtime. I mean c’mon, a Dark Elf wielding 2 scimitars and a mystic panther? How can the Dwarven fighter, Human barbarian and Halfling thief ever hope to keep up?

I’ve fucking lost count as just how many books Drizzt is the star of but there has to be a limit as to how many times he can kill 400 orcs in one go. To make it even worse, he is a tragically Emo dark elf who is an outcast among his own people and live amongst humans, dwarves and halflings. That right there makes me hate the character even more. If Drizzt Do’urden were a character on Degrassi he’d be either the girl that cuts herself or the girl that has self-body issues and has made herself bulimic. I mean seriously, at the end of every Drizzt saga we are beaten with the sledgehammer reminder that Drizzt is a dark elf and thus will never be accepted or because he is a dark elf he will never know true love with the human he secretly wants to put the hard high one to.

Fuck it! I can live without TSR and all of their fiction. There are far more entertaining fantasy authors out there. Some of them are dead and their material is far superior to anything put out to modern fantasy. Do you really people would read Tolkien if it didn’t have some fucking depth to it? I wear my love of Robert E. Howard’s work on my fucking sleeve but it isn’t like I’m the only one as volumes have been written analyzing Howard‘s writings and life. Sweet Jock Of Moses! Do you realize how many fantasy authors I haven’t read that probably have written at least one good book, if not more?

Cthulhu - Way Cooler Than Drizzt!

Hey all you gaming nerds! Put down the fucking latest book about Elminster and read some REAL Fantasy! I mean surely you know at least one person that has implored upon you to read some Michael Moorcock isn’t there? Hell I’d even say read the Sword Of Truth books by Terry Goodkind, even tough they are long… and generic… and kinda predictable… fuck it just keep reading the TSR books, they are on the same level as Goodkind. I mean obviously you don’t want to be challenged as a reader too much otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this fucking crap. I’m betting you sit there and play Call Of Cthulhu without even actually having read anything by H.P. Lovecraft. Except for you Jeff… I know better when it comes to you.

Actually that wouldn’t surprise me one fucking bit because I’m finding plenty of people love making references to Lovecraft and the Cthulhu mythos yet they haven’t even touched any of its creator’s actual writings. I mean don’t you find that a little fucking odd? I find that down right fucking disturbing personally. It is like saying you know everything about The Wizard of Oz without actually having read anything by L. Frank Baum. I know at least half of you are scratching your heads wondering who L. Frank Baum is right now and trust me, my disdain and downright contempt for you knows no bounds.

Do you really think the only stuff I read is comics and things that are gaming related?

So I beseech you, nerds across the world… just say no to novels from TSR/Wizards Of The Coast/Hasbro and go find something to read that is a bit more challenging. I mean you have some degree of intelligence and must be looking or something that will blow you away… am I right? C’mon you know I’m right! Put down your collected edition of the Cleric Quintet and find yourself a nice volume of something by Fritz Leiber. Trust me… I wouldn’t steer you wrong would I?

Well sure… there was the one time but you wouldn’t shut up about how awesome Drizzt Do’urden was, so I was totally justified in striking you about the face… you were obviously having some kind of seizure…

Avast Ye Scurvy Dogs! Thar She Blows! ‘Tis “The Glorianna”…


Keeping Cereal Crunhcy Yet The Ladies Soggy...

I’ve ranted here about Grill Ninja’s quest for the Mechanical Monkey in my Orienatl Adventures game before. Of course, this makes me kind of a hypocrite. I mean it isn’t like I’ve been the perfect Player Character in any of his games. I mean, the list of my charactes that have been made just to make it through Ninja’s infamous “Hartwood” campaign total four and that includes some of the worst named characters known to a table full of dice slingers!

Let us starts with Plumaira Frelanthalas, or better known as the psychotic lesbian rogue Plum Freepurse (aka Plum Freemason). Things were not helped by me playing this female elf as a rampaging bitch that was always getting the party in trouble. By the third game session I was playing Plum, at least half of the party was planning her wretched demise. Hell I don’t even remember how she died, but I know the reason why she died involved no one being able/willing to give her a healing potion/cast cure light wounds on her. The problem was from there I had already lined up Plum’s rather eccentric family.

Plum was the daughter of Akanthas Frelanthalas, otherwise known as Acorn Freesong, a bard who had this nasty habit of getting elves and humans “In A Family Way”. Acorn would then vanish for 4 years, ususally on some crazy adventure just in tim to take the child away from its mother and take it he/she/it to be reared by Great-Granny Frelanthalas. It ws here that Plum was raised with her twin sister Peachinanara (Peach Freetree) and Peerianna (Pear FreeSheild). Plum and Pear were big old bullies who mercilessly beat on Peach. But Peach had the gift to commune with nature and thus was trained by Great-Granny Frelanthalas in the ways or the druid. Plum ran away at the age 16 to find adventure and Pear, without her twin to get her in trouble, found some form of redemtpion for being a big brute and bully by becoming a Paladin in the service of Kalamor (one of the God’s in Ninja’s game world).

This was just backstory mind you. I had a whole family tree for the Frelanthalas clan mapped out, including Acorn’s Brother Pinalialrain Frelanthlas (Pincecomb Freeshadow, World’s Greatest Assasain) and Huniniriara Frelanthalas (Honey Freebush). I had something like 20 members of the family all set to go with backstories and goofy nicknames when Ninja finally said no more. Thus a great line of insanity and fun was put to an end.

That isn’t to say I didn’t have other crazy off the wall characters in mind. Like Brick Porterhouse, He-man Bard/Barbarian of the plains or Tobalonias Cuttobbanchia (Tobias Cutbranch), utterly British Elven Weapon Master. It was my sick need to play these bizarre little characters that led Ninja to plot his revenge upon yours truly with the Mechanical Monkey in Oriental Advetnures. I fully admit that I deserve the agony he plans to unload upon me (though I’ve got a few tricks that he won’t expect).

But now we are palying in Ninja’s little game world for a little bit. His new Steampunk/Magic realm/fantasy mash-up and already I’ve made my most favorite character since I made Sanchez Santiago Domingo Sanchez (Vampire Killer)! Yes, I’ve given imaginative birth to Estrellita Marina, Elven Scourge Of The High Seas… well that is… if she ever gets her own boat… or, you know, learns to actually sail. See This character has always dreamt of going to sea, yet has never even so much as gotten close to it. Thus I’ve made her an over the top elven bucaneer with delusions of grandeur and absolutely no inner monolgue!


Not Exactly How I Envision The Star Of The Sea...

That’s right friends, if Estrellita thinks it, she says it. Already such gems such as “What could ever be that infernal sound that makes my elven ears ring so?” and “Seven blazes child! Whatever can you be in such a rush to walk into me so?” have been spouted. Even better, in Ninja’s game world Elves have the ability to extend their Glamour beyond their appearance and make others see things though the power of the Glamour itself. Thus 2 members her “Crew” have been found, by making them see the freedom of the high seas upon her enchanted galleon “The Glorianna”. Forget the fact that she doesn’t have the ship, it is the dream of “The Glorianna” that leads to people following her. Armed with her Elven longsword (The Blade Of Veils) and a bandoleer of derringer pistols, I’m pretty sure it will be impossible for me not to love playing this character. Hell, she just got her first boat, as she and her “Crew” stole a small fishing boat and have dubbed it “The Twinkle”. Yes my friends, adventure and piracy await those of you that will follow ‘The Star Of The Sea’ on her jounreys.

By God, I think I already love her more than any character I’ve ever made. More than Rhombus Remus The Geometric Paladin! More than Merisol Whisperspeech, The Lowtalking Mercenary! More then even Sir Buttons, The World’s Greatest Comedian/Bard/Fighter! Yes my friends, I do believe that Estrellita Marina will be the greatest character I’ve ever devised. I’ve really made it seem like she can do anything in the game so far and she is only level 1 (well, level 2 now) which means her legend will only become greater as the game goes on. With her stalwart shipmates Harriet Jacobs (First Mate ex-slave/textlie worker) and Dave Tacnomagi (Quartermaster/Machinesmith) there is nothing she can’t do! Soon she’ll have a bigger crew who will follow her to hell and back, all for the gold and plunder they can carry. Her standard of a black skull with ruby teeth and emeralds for eyes will strike fear in the hearts of sea-goers everywhere!

So Long Live Ninja’s New Game World & Long Live The Dream Of “The Glorianna”! Fuck, I even wrote a totally cheese-tastic poem in honor of my new best character ever and her dream! Because if you can’t do really geeky stupid things with yourPlayer Character, what the fuck are you playing Role-Playing Games for?

My Dream
by Captain Estrellita Marina

I regret for I have never been to sea,
For it is there I know I will be truly free.
Sea Salt scents with wind in my hair,
The sea brings out these feelings I want to share.
With this thought, I’ll gather a motlry band,
Together we’ll sail to many a far off land.
We’ll find a ship to escape this city,
With a crew full of joy, yet lacking pity.
We’ll drink all night and play pirate all day,
For my crew and I that is the only way.
For I’d rather die in a a watery grave,
Then placed in earth the mud or some cave.
So my ship to me is akin to sweet manna,
So Join up and sail with me on ‘The Glorianna’

Mechanical Monkeys & Other Hijinks At The Gaming Table

Oriental Adventures - Wasting My Time For 6 Years!

Oriental Adventures - Wasting My Time For 6 Years!

I never should’ve let him play an Artificer. It was my own damn fault. I was well aware of the depth of cleverness and raw creative thinking power. I should’ve know that by letting him play an Artificer I’ve left my Dungeons & Dragons Game open to the type of mass chaos that will only lead to the return of the equally damnable weasel!

I know what all of you are thinking right now, “What the FUCK is he talking about?”

I am speaking of my weekly Dungeons & Dragons game. In my endless pursuit of true geek nirvana I run an Oriental Adventures (henceforth referred to as ‘OA’) campaign every Saturday with a semi-regular group of semi-regulars. There is my dear friend Cindi, who is still irked that I won’t let her play an elf Ranger, despite the fact I’ve been running various OA campaigns in which she has played on and off for 5 years. In that time I have never allowed elvish Rangers in my game world. Yet Cindi maintians that glimmer of hope, that one day she can play some sort of Japanese School Girl Elf Ranger. I just don’t have the heart to tell her that this will, in fact, never happen.

Then there is Josh. Good, reliable and always on time, that is Josh aka ‘Statboy’. Josh is the only player in the current game that was there when the campaign began. I lost 3 players to 2 pregnancies. Don’t ask me to explain the math on that one, I need some obscure Lovecraftian form of Mathematics and I already babble to myself enough thank you very much. Yet despite the constant turmoil of people joining and then leaving my game, Josh is there, ready to calculate hit percent averages for THAC0, which is kind of sad because we are playing AD&D Ver. 3.5, so there is no THAC0. Please don’t tell him, he works so hard at it.

Then there is the recent newly added member to the group Melissa. I have met Melissa all of twice now and I have determined that she just might be th greatest GIRL to ever sling dice. She gave her oriental character an African name (“She’s really confused” chimed Melissa), who is also a member of an order of lesbianic Rangers (“She is REALLY confused!” says Melissa). If Cindi gets mad at me for not leting her play something as simpe as an elvish Ranger imagine how mad at me she was that Melissa got to play a Ranger who is always trying to get in her pants?

Of course this brings us to the last member of our little gaming cadre. Christopher Curran aka Grill Ninja. I’ve been gaming with Grill Ninja on and off for 6 years now. Ninja’s ADD riddled brain makes for a brilliant Game Master and an entirely frustrating Player Charater. That isn’t to say that I haven’t been a pain in his ass when I play in his games (one day, I will share with you the tale of Plum Freemason, elvish Rogue and general pain in the ass or her hippie Druid sister Peach, or even worse Sanchez Santiago Domingo Sanchez… Vampire Hunter!).

Grill Ninja - His Mechanical Monkeys Will Destroy Us All!

Grill Ninja - His Mechanical Monkeys Will Destroy Us All!

To understand how Ninja’s brain works when it comes to gaming, first take one of the most brilliant people you’ve ever known, then add equal parts ADD, caffiene and hyperactive imagination. If ever ther was a person that is a living example of the Single Synapse Theory (thought to action in one electric leap) it is the man known as Grill Ninja!

How does him being in my game equate to calamity and the return of a weasel?

Let us flashback to 2002. I began my epic OA campaign that Ninja played in. He palyed a shapshifting Weasel Sorcerer named Warui O-Tenki. Warui was insane. He had the most bloody simple combat tactic. He would cast invisibility on himself when a fight would break out, cast Hold Person on an enemy and then as the opponent would stand there frozen and unable to move at all, Warui would then olbiterate them with a barrage of Magic Missile spells. If he did it once or twice, it wouldn’t be a big deal. But this happeend EVERY FIGHT!

Of course there were other Warui related hijinks in that game but I’ll save those for antoher time. In the current game, Ninja decided to play an Artificer. I’ve never had an Artificer in my parties before so I figured it would make for fun RP. Now, for those not in the know, an Artificer is basically an engineer who builds magical mechanical devices. Basically take Bruce Sato from the old M.A.S.K. cartoon, now our man Bruce would always make these cazy toys. Now imagine those wacky toys WITH MAGIC POWERS!

I should’ve known better. The second Ninja was allowed to play an Artificer he began plotting his first ‘Masterpiece’ and it has been a thorn in my side ever since. The sad thing is, he hasn’t even built the damn thing. The thing in question? Imagine a monkey. Now, imagine a fully lifelike mechanical monkey. Now imagine said mechanical monkey imbued with magical enhancements. The mind boggles at the sheer insanity and chaos that will reasult if Ninja is allowed to make this monstrosity.

Even worse, Ninja and Melissa are the worlds’ sweetest boyfriend and girlfriend in real life (in game Melissa is a lebian Ranger or did you forget that little detail?). Anyway, ever since Ninja came up with the plan for these insane monkeys (did I mention he wants to bild AN ARMY OF MECHANICAL MONKEYS OF DOOM) he has apparently been talking about them non-stop and it might slowly be driving Melissa insane. When Melissa learned that Ninja was playing an artificer the words “Oh honey, not again! You promised you wouldn’t make another one of those again!”. Right then and there I should’ve devised a plan to kill Ninja’s Artificer AT THAT VERY MOMENT~!

I can’t imagine the pain and suffering Ninja inflicted upon some other poor Game Master. Now it is my turn. I can’t make the same stupid mistakes I made when he was playing Warui, like give his character a Ninja Hangglider (longstory) or give him a Bag of Devouring as a Wizard’s familiar (An even longer story… though to make it simple, he kept the Bag of Devouring happy by feeding it prostitutes)

My dilemma is , if I let him make the damn monkey I’ll regret it later. Because for Ninja, one mechanical magic monkey is never enough. He’ll keep building them. Even worse, he’ll be like Noonian Sung, always seeking to perfect the monkeys, in the hopes that he will make a mechanical monkey that is so perfect that it will be almost impossible to tell it apart from a REAL MONKEY! HE’LL TRY TO MAKE DATA & LOR FROM STAR TREK THE NEXT GENERATON BUT AS MONKEYS DAMMIT!

The sad thing is, I can’t say “No Ninja you can’t make a mechacal magic monkey”. If I do that, he’ll just find a way to bring it up into every conversation for the rest of all human time. If I say “No Ninja, you can’t have a Mechanical Magic Monkey”, my Facebook profile would be swarmed by Friend Requests for Mechanical Magic Monkeys. I don’t need to see “Mechanical Magic Monkey626 Wants To Be Your Friend!”. If I say “No Ninja, you cannot have a mechanical magic monkey” the epitaph on my headstone will read ‘Here Lies James, He Wouldn’t Let Grill Ninja Have A Mechanical Magic Monkey’. No matter how you slice it, I can’t win. Somewhere in his secret lair, Grill Ninja is laughing at me and I totally deserve it!

Next Brave Blog: Advenures At Marvel Comics Or How James Met Stan Lee & Nearly Wet His Pants!

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