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Halloween Is Not Really My Thing

Mais Oui! Je N'Adore Les Halloween! FROMAGE!

I have never really liked Halloween and I mean never. The appeal of dressing up as something I’m not irked from a young age. I halways had enough trouble trying to figure out who I was so the last thing I wanted to do was be someone I’m not. I am truly stunned I didn’t end with some major case of Multiple Personality Disorder given how my my friends were alwways insisting I NEEDED to dress up for Halloween. Sure it was peer pressure or as I like to call it “Mental Extortion”, but I always dressed up to fit in.

The sad thing was I really didn’t fit in, I was the weird kid in my grade school classes. I was always kind of the outcast. I didn’t want to put on a costume or really go Trick or Treating. That is kind of weird, a kid not wanting to get free candy is not normal. I mean let’s face it, from a pure larcenous standpoint Halloween is the sweetest racket in town. Sure the “Trick” part of it is not nearly as played up anymore, but back in the day, oh back i nthe day my friends, Trick or Treating was the closest thing children had to the Cosa Nostra.

If you break down the dynamics of it, Halloween by the modern standard is nothing more than a protection racket. You get a bunch of kids together, dress them up in scary costumes and go from place to place demanding free stuff that you have really done nothing to earn. If one of the houses doesn’t turn over the schwag first you threaten o do damage to their property and if after that you still get your “cut” property damage ensues. I swear to God if that isn’t the equivalent of 2 guys named SAl and Joey going to a local merchant and shaking him down for “Insurance” then I don’t know what is!

I’ve struggled long and hard with my sense of identity. Actually given my current mental ailments, it is safe to say I am still wrestling with my sense of self. I amjust as anxiety ridden and neurotic now as I was as a child. So when you’ve got neurotic 5-12 year ol being told he has to dress up as something when he has no real desire to do so, well that leads to your previous anxiety ridden little boy into becoming a little bit of a bigger headcase. I didn’t wanto be anyone but me, hell I still feel that way. So when I get invited by friends to their Halloween parties and I’m told I have to wear a costume, I get kind of offended. Am I not good enough company on my own that you want me to be someone else?

This is why when I go to Halloween parties I put the minimum amount of effort into a costume. 3 year s ago a Scotch taped a rubber baby doll to my stomach and went as Kuato from Total Recall. The year after that I didn’t even show up in costume. Thiss was a party thrown by friends Chris and Lauren. Lauren swore if I didn’t show up in costume that she would put me in one herself. Needless to say I was in a red dress and black wig for the whole night, telling people I was Ann Wilson from Heart. Last year, I wore my Sinestro Corps T-Shirt and plastic Sinestro Corps ring and got away with being the laziest member of the Sinestro Corps. 3 Halloweens and the minimum effort to dress up was used on all 3 of them. I’m kind of proud of that fact.

There is a little bit of hiporicy here though. I claim to not like Halloween for the dress up aspect when I spent 10 years doing Medieval Re-enactment in the Society For Creative Anachronism. The SCA was neverreally about the dresing up aspect for me, though I maintain that a Kilt remains the most comfortable thing a man can possibly wear. The SCA was more about gomes with good people and maybe learning a thing or 2 along the way.I never really eveloped my SCA persona all that much, that wasn’t what it was about for me.Oh wait… you’re wondering what the fuck I’m talking about aren’t you? That will have to be another article for another time. I’m talking about Halloween dammit!

So yeah Halloween, not a fan. I can’t help it. It pushes all the wrong buttons for me. I hate dressing up, inauthenticity drives me crazty and worst of all, Halloween tends to be the one night of the year where 75% of adults think it is ok to act like every asshole frat boy they’ve ever known. I just don’t get why epeople get stiupid drunk in the middle of the street and decide to set their furniture on fire on the sidewalk. Hey asshole, you could’ve given the sofa to Goodwill or The Salvation Army! a large chunk of the adult population i nthe US to act total botards for no other reason than they think its ok to act liek a drunk 18 year old. It is a holiday that children use to bully and ostracize other childeren and terrorize senior citizens.Halloween is not for me. Besides, its just another holiday that got co-opted from the Jews. What? You never hear of Purim?

So summing up, Halloween is a great racket t encouragesif your a budding young “Entrepenuer” with drems of at least rising to the rank of Capo in the Luchese family. I


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