I Really F*#%ing Hate Drittz Do’urden!
Speaking as a person who reads Fantasy/Sword & Sorcery novels I’d like to state something that is going to be divisive amongst my core group of friends. I really hate reading anything featuring Drizzt Do’urden. I bring this point up because R.A. Salvatore is looking to inflict yet another trilogy of books featuring Drizzt as the main character. Now ignore the fact that the any books put out by TSR/Wizards Of The Coast/Hasbro, that aren’t game manuals, are some of the most generic and predictable fantasy fiction you’ll ever read because as boring and predictable as all those books are, any book featuring Drizzt is even more predictable.
I really can’t think of one novel series related to Dungeons & Dragons that isn’t utterly by the numbers in terms of plot and direction. Sorry kids, Dragonlance is schlock. Forgotten Realms is just as bad. There is nothing that happens in any Forgotten Realms book that I haven’t predicted happening after getting to about the fourth chapter of any given book. Fuck reading a Dungeons & Dragons Dungeon Master’s Guide is more thrilling than reading any fiction based on Dungeons & Dragons itself. It is always the same shit. Let me break it down:
1. Book features a party of adventurers that will have at least 1 magic user, 1 fighter, 1 thief and any other random character classes
2. For some reason there must be some type of Halfling involved in the party proper.
3. There is a dark force rising… ALWAYS!
4. Someone will betray the party. They don’t have to necessarily been in the party but 9 times out of 10 they are
5. By the end of whatever book you read, be it part of overreaching saga or a standalone, nothing really gets resolved.
OK I promise you of the 5 things listed above, at least 3 will occur during the course of your reading. Now the first thing is a given. You can’t have a TSR Fantasy Novel without a party of adventurers. Given that most of these books were started as actual gaming sessions a party is a must. The problem is every party always seems to be the same dull line-up. I’ve been playing Dungeons & Dragons some 20+ years and never have I played with such a generic line-up. Sure I’ve had to deal with player’s who will only play elven rangers or someone who always undermines the party in general and thus undermines the story being toled but every TSR book there is 1 Fighter, 1 Magic User and 1 Thief. Now sometimes this will be circumvented by dual-classing a character so your Fighter doubles as as your magic user. It doesn’t change a fucking thing. It is still the same fucking dynamic.
Drizzt Do’urden is a Ranger, so already he falls under the Fighter category. Even worse, as a Ranger he has access to small number of spells. See? SEE? Fighter/Magic User right there! Even worse, he is written as an unstoppable superman in every book. You can only read so many books with Drizzt before you realize “They are never going to kill this fucker”. By Book #2 in Drizzt first series, The Icewind Dale Trilogy, you’ve pretty much figured it out that as cool as most of the other characters might be, Drizzt is Mr. Showtime. I mean c’mon, a Dark Elf wielding 2 scimitars and a mystic panther? How can the Dwarven fighter, Human barbarian and Halfling thief ever hope to keep up?
I’ve fucking lost count as just how many books Drizzt is the star of but there has to be a limit as to how many times he can kill 400 orcs in one go. To make it even worse, he is a tragically Emo dark elf who is an outcast among his own people and live amongst humans, dwarves and halflings. That right there makes me hate the character even more. If Drizzt Do’urden were a character on Degrassi he’d be either the girl that cuts herself or the girl that has self-body issues and has made herself bulimic. I mean seriously, at the end of every Drizzt saga we are beaten with the sledgehammer reminder that Drizzt is a dark elf and thus will never be accepted or because he is a dark elf he will never know true love with the human he secretly wants to put the hard high one to.
Fuck it! I can live without TSR and all of their fiction. There are far more entertaining fantasy authors out there. Some of them are dead and their material is far superior to anything put out to modern fantasy. Do you really people would read Tolkien if it didn’t have some fucking depth to it? I wear my love of Robert E. Howard’s work on my fucking sleeve but it isn’t like I’m the only one as volumes have been written analyzing Howard‘s writings and life. Sweet Jock Of Moses! Do you realize how many fantasy authors I haven’t read that probably have written at least one good book, if not more?
Hey all you gaming nerds! Put down the fucking latest book about Elminster and read some REAL Fantasy! I mean surely you know at least one person that has implored upon you to read some Michael Moorcock isn’t there? Hell I’d even say read the Sword Of Truth books by Terry Goodkind, even tough they are long… and generic… and kinda predictable… fuck it just keep reading the TSR books, they are on the same level as Goodkind. I mean obviously you don’t want to be challenged as a reader too much otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this fucking crap. I’m betting you sit there and play Call Of Cthulhu without even actually having read anything by H.P. Lovecraft. Except for you Jeff… I know better when it comes to you.
Actually that wouldn’t surprise me one fucking bit because I’m finding plenty of people love making references to Lovecraft and the Cthulhu mythos yet they haven’t even touched any of its creator’s actual writings. I mean don’t you find that a little fucking odd? I find that down right fucking disturbing personally. It is like saying you know everything about The Wizard of Oz without actually having read anything by L. Frank Baum. I know at least half of you are scratching your heads wondering who L. Frank Baum is right now and trust me, my disdain and downright contempt for you knows no bounds.
Do you really think the only stuff I read is comics and things that are gaming related?
So I beseech you, nerds across the world… just say no to novels from TSR/Wizards Of The Coast/Hasbro and go find something to read that is a bit more challenging. I mean you have some degree of intelligence and must be looking or something that will blow you away… am I right? C’mon you know I’m right! Put down your collected edition of the Cleric Quintet and find yourself a nice volume of something by Fritz Leiber. Trust me… I wouldn’t steer you wrong would I?
Well sure… there was the one time but you wouldn’t shut up about how awesome Drizzt Do’urden was, so I was totally justified in striking you about the face… you were obviously having some kind of seizure…