On Food, Father & F@#%ing Up The Japanese!
I’m a fat guy, I like food. Well maybe not fat, just a tad portly. I’ve managed to keep myself in the 250 range despite my love ofgluttonous endeavors. The factthst Ialos liek to cook doesn’t help in my own personal Operation: Market Garden. I choose Operation: Market Garden because it is so damn cliched to refer to one’s battle with weight as a Batle Of The Bulge. Ther eare hundreds of World War II battles to choose from, why limit yourself with just one?
Any way, if you read my recap of Thanksgaming, then you should have figured out I like to cook as well as eat. I am a big fan of meat. Be it beef, poultry, pork or wild game I’ll give anything a try at least once. Well, except for duck but there is a reason for that and Im going to cover it here. The sheer amount of meat I eat probably shouldv’e killed me by now, I therefore determined that when it comes to eating meat that I cannot be killed by it. That last sentence probably will have some wacko animal rights group at my door in a matter of minutes ready to throw Baby Seal blood on me on the way to work. What to do I care though? I mean it is a wacko animal rights group and most members of PETA are hippies and I’ll be damned if I let a hippie kick my ass, let alone get Baby Seal blood on me!
This doesn’t mean I ignore vegetables. I will seriously fuck up a salad. People are stunned when I go out to dinner with them and I start with a salad. The truth is salad is yummy. You give me any form of lettuce with tomato and cucumber and a even a light dressing and I’ll be very happy to devour it right in front of you. I’m also a big fan of corn. Corn is ssweet and delectable. It doesn’t even need any salt or butter, corn is just perfect on its own. Of course the only thing better than corn is a potato. A potato is the greatest vegetable/growth on the planet just for how multi-purpose it is. You can bake it, fry it, boil and mash it and add any one of a thousand differnt toppings to it. Fuck one of those toppings can be MEAT! A baked potato topped with sirloin tips? Fuck, that is just brilliant!
I figure at least one, if not more than one, vegan has already stopped reeading this little ode to meat, probably somewhere aroubd the point where I started making fun of PETA. For the record, I have the utmost respect for all vegans because they actively choose to do something that I am unable to do and the majority of them do it based on a certain moral principle. Some of them could lighten up a bit but who am I to judge? I mean I think a meal of steak with a side dish of a smaller, yet equally delicious steak, maybe even cooked medium rare as opposed ot medium, is simply the best meal there is. It is all well and good to be vegan but you don’t have to be all preachy about it. PETA protesters in front of my house be damned!
Damn, they move fast!
Seriously though, if you are going to try and take the moral high ground and be belligerent about it, I will gladly slap you in the face and point to The MOTHERFUCKIN’ TORAH, where the Lord encourages us to partake of the flesh of animals. See the Big Guy knows that there is nothign wrong with eating flesh. You wanna bet when your you cash out in the Big Casino of Life, that when you meet The Big Guy, he is most liely going to be eating a few New York Strips with a Lobster Tail or two? Your damn right he will, because he is God and if anyone know how good meat tastes, its Him! I mean he was the guy who came up with it after all!
Of course, as a Jew that is just my take. Every religion has their own take on eating meat. There are some meats that are OK with certain religions and others that are not OK with others. There a few religions that assuage the eating of flesh and that is fine. Again, more power to them. Hell, different cultures have different views of meat altogether. I mean think of how much we fucked up Japan during the Meiji period. We took a society that had a pretty decently structured diet, based around vegetables, fish and rice and we totally fucked them up. The revolutionaries that overthrew the Tokugawa Shogunate were determined to Westernize Japan and in the process totally fucked a pretty healthy dietary regimen. Of course if that hadn’t happened then we wouldn’t have fought World War II against the Japanese, the Japanese would then never have lost and then we would never have had Pocky. I refuse to live in a world without Pocky. I simply will not do it! So thanks you magnificent bastards you fought in the Bakumatsu Period, without you we wouldn’t have Pocky to make nerds like fat, sluggish and slothlike!
Fuck, I’m off topic… AGAIN!
There is a chance I really do need to cutback on my meat intake though. I know I’m not invincible. I mean I’m not a teenger anymore and while I can still eat a lot, I don’t eat nearly as much as I used to. I can actually step away fro ma meal unfinished, where as in my youth it was always more of a diret challenge from the meal itself that it be finished. Being young and stupid means you take on stupid challenges and rarely was there ameal that would best me. I also used to eat pretty fast and I mean like people would be only a quarter done with their meals when I would be done with my own. I attribute this to 2 things. First, growing up in New York City kind of puts in a hurried state of mind. You are always moving, always on the run and always thinking ahead. Even when relaxing a New Yorkers mindset is that of “What can I do to relax next? When is next? Let’s make next NOW!”. Thus the New Yorker tends to eat faster than your average person. Having been away from NYC for over 10 years now, I’ve slowed down a bit. I still finish my meal before everyone else but I’m not nearly as rushed as I used ot be and thus savor a meal a bit more. Especially if that meal involes steak. The second reason for my hurried eating is because I grew up in a house of scavengers!
Now by scavengers I mean a family full of members who would finish eating their meal and then start to pick at my plate. The family members in qustion were my Father and my sister. It sisn’t matter the meal, if I was still picking at my plate my Father and sister would start going after my food. My mother viewed that just terrible, but she was transplanted British, thus she could be appalled by the simplest of things. Luckily, my mother was a good cook which means I loved every meal she made for me that didn’t involve the word “liver”. Unfortuneately my mother was a good cook, which means that I had to either find new and impressive ways to eat my food or else I would myself not being the one actually eating it. Thus, I learned to eat quickly. The bitter irony of this is that the last time my Father and I went to dinner together, he sat there eating his meal at a leisurely pace, while I was hurriedly eating my meal. He than had the nerve to ask me with a smile, “Why are you in such a rush? Enjoy your meal”. I wanted to dive acros the table and grab him bythe shirt and scream “YOU! YOU DID THIS TO ME! I’M LIKE THIS BECAUSE OF YOU!”. Instead, I opted to slow down and enjoy my meal as best I could. It is hard to enjoy a meal when you are actively sitign across the table from the person you are trying to resent.
So what we have learned today?
Firstly meat is yummy. Don’t let some wacko animal rights group guilt you into believing otherwise. Second, If you are vegan, then more power to you, just don’t be all militant vegan in my face or else I’ll show up at your next rally and eat a hutch of fried prairie rabbit just ot get MY point across. Third, We really kind of screwed up the Japanese waaaay before we dropped the A-Bomb on them so they created Pocky as a form of revenge. Fourth, I’m a New Yorker DAMMIT! Get out of my way! I’ve got somewhere to be. Lastly, my Father can be kind of a dick, even if it is to teach me a lesson about taking my time. Now if you’ll exscuse me, there is a PETA rally in front of my house, so I must simply go outside and eat this magnificent Sirloin Steak out on my front stoop…
Note: Please note, I refer to PETA as a “Whacko Animal Rights Group” completely in tongue-in-cheek fashion. I completely respect what PETA does and they deserve a lot of praise for how many animals they work to save every year. It IS a worthwhile cause and they deserve your respect and support. Trust me, there are far more militant groups than PETA out there but I’d rater link to PETA jokingly and have you see what they do than give the other militant whacko groups any lip service.