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On Dreams & How They Relate To Jewel Shutting Up!

Trust Me, Relating All This To Jewel Will Make Sense! Read On!

I have weird dreams. Not scary dreams mind you, just weird ones. The thing is, my dreams are weird because they are just so mundane. Nothing exciting ever happens in them as they always feature people I know, sitting around talking. Probably the only noteworthy thing about my dreams is that the point of view will change, as will the setting, at a completely random moment. One second I can be in my dream talking about why Cocoa-Puffs are simply awesome with a random friend of mine in my home and then suddenly I’m talking about why Cocoa-Puffs are so awesome while I’m trying to disable a bomb. See, shifting scenery and events that don’t really belong together are proof that my ADD totally shreds whatever subconscious I may have.

Now, I’m not someone who believes that there is any deep seeded meanings or symbolism to dreams, least of all my dreams. I simply don’t buy into “Everything in your dreams means something”. If that is the case then my dreams are telling me that I have ADD, something I’ve been quite aware of for years actually. To my recollection, I’ve ever only had one fever dream/nightmare an that was when I was seven. I had a high fever and was kept from school. In the midst of my sleep there was this terrifying dream about Bugs Bunny turning into a vampire and then terrorizing a playground. This may not sound all that scary now, but when you’re seven Vampire Bugs will scare the shit out of you. I woke up screaming and crying which lead to me sleeping in my parents bed that night. Unfortunate that is when the waking hallucinations began.

I was unable to return to sleep and feverish so as a result of that I began to see cartoon Native Americans riding barrels with arrows through them. They would descend from the ceiling as large hallucinations from the ceiling and then get smaller as they got to the floor. When they got to the floor they were the size of ants. It was then that the tiny little ant-like Indians would scale the side of my parents bed, on my father’s side, and then lift and run away with the tag on the mattress. I was too terrified to wake my mother or father, both of whom were right there in the bed with me. All I could do was sit there and sweat and be filled with dread. Finally, after about 30 minutes of this, the Indians stopped falling from the ceiling and I dozed off. I awoke the next morning, fever gone and slightly a little worse for wear due to lack of sleep. Unfortunately I was unable to even look at a cartoon with Bugs Bunny in it for months.

Now Imagine Him With Sunglasses & A Shotgun!

Of course the fever dreams of a seven year old child are pretty crazy because most seven year olds are pretty insane. Still that remains, to this day, my only vivid nightmare and hallucination double whammy. Since then, nothing but mundane dreams. Well, mundane and slightly prophetic dreams. Yes, I have dreams about events that tell about events yet to happen. Unfortunately thee are closer to mundane Deja Vu. See I don’t dream about significant events about ot unfold. Shit, I’d be pretty badass if I suddenly was a pre-cog. I can see it now, “Mr. President don’t touch that duck! He has Chinese Bird Flu and if you touch him you will catch it and die!”. Yeah, col shit like that doesn’t happen in my dreams. The only dream about a US President I ever had was Abraham Lincoln and in it he was turned into a gun-toting cyborg by the Pentagon and given the name A.B.E. Lincoln. A.B.E. stood for Artifical Bio-Entity. That’s right I had a goofy dream about President Lincoln running aroun looking like he was drawn by Rob Liefield fighting the KKK and spouting his tagline “Consider yourself… EMANCIPATED!”. That line was made even better in my dream since Lincoln was seemingly voiced by Arnold Schwarzenegger. Of course that dream then shifted scenery and became me reading the adventures of A.B.E. Lincoln while eating a carrot. Still it is rather frightening that I dreamed about Abraham Lincoln as a cyborg in a bad 1990’s style comic book from IMAGE.

But that has nothing to do with my prophetic dreams. My prophetic dreams always involve me in a room with friends, someoen says something, we all have a good laugh and then I stop and say “I… I think I dreamed this happening…”. Sometimes these ‘Visions’ come true in a mtter of weeks, sometimes months go by and even in one instance years. Confession: I dreamt about meeting this girl at a Renn-Faire, she was super cool and we hung out. Events in that dream unfolded like a whirlwind. We got drunk, had a good time and then I woke up. It didn’t dawn on me until many years later that was my friend Cindi. The “Renn-Faire” in question was Pennisc, which is so NOT a Renn-Faire. OK, so meeting Cindi isn’t actually mundane… shit I’m just disproving everything I’m writing about today!

I have no doubt that some shrink will ignore the part about a Lincoln cyborg killing people for the Pentagon and instead focus on the fact I was eating a rather phallic carrot. Well that is all well and good but there is no reason to bring sexual imagery in my dreams because I have sex dreams as well. Very vivid sex dreams that cause me to wake-up wondering if I had actually gotten laid. ow sex really isn’t a mundane thing… well it can be if your not enjoying it. OK, so my vivid sex dreams aren’t mundane but if someone is having Mundane Sex Dreams then that person has got to get laid!

I mentioned a dream where I was defusing a bomb before. That was an actual dream. It was part of my shifting scnenery and morphed me into the guy defusing the bomb. I determined to cut the blue wire but as I did so the timer went off and then there was this loud buzzing noise. I looked around and wondered what the buzzing was. I then turned to face somethng and said “Wake Up!”. Turns out I was talking to myself and the timer on the bomb that was buzzing was actually my alarm clock. See the non-mundane dream worked its way into something that was mendane in my waking life. How is that for irony?

Let us wrap this up with my latest mundane dream. I had this dream on Thanksgiving Day no less. In this dream I was sharing a house with my friends Grill Ninja and Melissa. There was a fourth eprson in the house with us, who turned out to be Jewel. Yes, the singer Jewel was living with me Ninja and Melissa. I was trying to get ready for church, which is odd because I am Jewish and all. My problem was that I couldn’t find a decent pair of pants to wear because all of mine were ripped in the crotch. I finally decided to just wear a pair of ripped in the crotch jeans to Church. That is when Jewel suddenly went ape shit crazy on me, yellign at me that I can’t wear pants with holes in them to Church because it was disrespecting God. This went on for about a minute until Jewel stopped talking. Melissa then looked at her and said “Shut the fuck up Jewel!”. It was said with such venom and disgust that I somehow knew that deep down Melissa hated Jewel and only let her stay in the house because we needed the rent money.

This Has Nothing To Do With My Dreams Or Jewel... I Just Like Kaori Yoneyama!

I woke up from that dream with my eyes fully wide. This is not my usual process of waking up. I am usually bleary eyed until I get in the shower. But Melissa’s pure disgust of Jewel woke me wide awake. I sat up in bed and the first thing out of my mouth was “What the FUCK was that about?”. I just coughed it up to my weird blending with my mundane. I made a mental note to tell Ninja and Melissa about this later. Later was at gaming this past Saturday. We were all full of Turkey and pie (this will be covered in tomorrow’s Thanksgaming article) and were trying to game despite the large amount of tryptophan we just ingested. I then remembered my dream and told the group about it. The pants! The Apartment! JEWEL!

There was laughter when I was done relaying my dream to everyone. Then there was justification, as Melissa shook her head and said, with as much disgust as it was said in my dream, “Shut the fuck up Jewel!” So let us learn from this. Dreams, even the most mundane ones, actually do act signposts in our lives. Still we shouldn’t read to much intothem for the simple fact that not all mysteries of life need to be solved. If by some chance you do have prophetic dreams, be they mundane or earthshaking, just let them happen and see where they take you. If that doesn’t work you can alway tell Jewel to shut the fuck up!

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