‘Tis The Season… Again? Really?
Shit is it really November already?
I’m not ready to deal with the fucking holidays already. I mean it isn’t like shops haven’t been putting up displays and what not since the 4th of July or anything. It just seems that Christmas keeps coming earlier and earlier for gentiles. I mean it ain’t like my people don’t go a little meshuge for Hanukkah but you Christians lose your fucking minds. Chopping down trees, wrapping everything you can find in tinsel and those fucking Christmas lights that you don’t put away till Groundhog Day… all that shit makes me really hate Christmas time. I mean while I’m sure Jesus is really honored, I don’t think his coming was supposed to herald the savings you can get the day after thanksgiving.
Actually truth be told, I am rather fond of Thanksgiving. I mean it involves food and what Jew doesn’t like a day off with a nosh?
The thing is, there has been this misinterpretation of that all families let their major dysfunctions really hangout on Thanksgiving. This couldn’t be further from the truth. See every major Jewish Holiday revolves around 3 things Family, Wine and Food. That being said we don’t just wait for Turkey Day to roll past Macy’s to start destroying each other emotionally, it is a year ’round event for Jews. Fuck, if anything Thanksgiving dinner is the one meal where we actually get along. We don’t even make fun of Uncle Saul’s bad hairpiece, I mean he gets mocked during all the other major Jewish Holidays, so we give him a rest on Thanksgiving.
Of course it is the day after Thanksgiving that we Jews really appreciate because all you wonderful gentiles put everything on sale. Even better is the fact that these sale are non-denominational. Be you Jew, Christian, Muslim or Buddhist by God you can get a mattress set at half the normal price to celebrate Jesus’ birth! I’m pretty sure Christ’s last words on the cross were something akin to “Oh Father, Why hast Thou forsaken me… and also, why can’t I get a good deal on a Washer/Dryer combo?”.
I wonder, if Jesus does comeback what will happen?
Well for starters, the Jews are screwed because we didn’t exactly follow the herd the first time around. But at least Jesus is forgiving and besides we’re family. You really think one of the blood is gonna rain Judgment down on his kin that way? Fuck No! Jesus is Jewish after all, he’ll guilt us in a passive aggressive manner till we humbly come before him and say we’re sorry. It’s just our way. Man I really feel sorry for the antisemitic Nazi douchebags out there that have killed in Christ’s name. I mean let’s face it, Jesus was still a good Jew when he died, I mean he was betrayed during a Seder service after all. You better believe that he’ll turn the other cheek by slapping opposite side first!
But I kid, I kid… more importantly let’s get back on track. The Holidays start too damned early and thus I, being a man of vision whom everyone should heed, have a solution to this whole debacale over Christmas decorations that seem to… well that seem to go up starting the day after Easter. First things first! No one can put decorations on their lawn until December 21st and then in turn must have them down by January 4th. Seriously people, your Christmas lights are annoying and tacky. How would you like it if I had a giant neon dreidel continually spinning like a disco ball… wait… hold it… THAT WOULD BE FUCKIN’ AWESOME!
Okay so that was a bad example. Let me try another approach. If I put a giant life-sized Menorah on my lawn and used a fir tree for candles I imagine it wouldn’t go over to well with my neighborhood association. The second thing must happen is that Christmas songs can only be played on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Look, I like Perry Como as much as a boy who has had a bris can, but if I have to hear “Do You Hear What I Hear?” more than twice I will find myself flying into a rage that will see me locked down in a mental ward by the time I finally calm down. Now I am not an unreasonable man and realize that some “Quid Pro Quo” is required. Thus here is my proposition, speaking as a representative for all Jews. We promise not to be such downers during Passover. I mean, I love Passover but it is simultaneously joyous yet utterly dour. I mean I’ve NEVER been to a Happy Seder. For Fuck’s Sake! Even reformed Jews are depressing on Passover and we’re supposed to be the bright sunny ones!
Do you have any idea how long a Reformed Seder lasts? 4 hours! And that isn’t even at Temple! That’s when you just have family and few friends over, including a token Gentile observer who “Wants to learn about Judaism”. If you got to a Synagogue for a Passover Seder the service starts at Sundown but you won’t get to eat a thing until 2 and a half hours later. The cruel irony is, the first thing you get to eat is a fucking sprig of parsley dipped in salt water. We can’t even fill-up on bread dammit! Even if we were the bread would have to be Matzo. No wonder all the Jewish Holidays involve prayers over wine, we need to drink something while we listen to the entire book of Exodus read to us by Rabbi AND sung to us by a Cantor. Shit I hate to think what a Hasidic Seder is like. It must start at Sundown the first Night of Passover and end 3 weeks later… and that would be just for the FIRST NIGHT OF PASSOVER!
So let me recap the proposal. Gentiles, you don’t go over the top with Christmas Decorations and keep them relegated to December 21st until January 4th. In return, I will not build a giant glowing, revolving Dreidel on my lawn. I will also get the rest of the Jewish people to lighten up during Passover. I think that is a modest proposal. It is better than “A Modest Proposal” , because something tells me a Holiday Feast served by Jonathan Swift would be one of the most horrific meals I’d ever eat.