Sonny Chiba – King Of Actors!
You know how there are some movies you watch and you just kinda like them but don’t love them?
How that movie was just missing a certain something that would’ve made it perfect?
Well the obvious answer to what that movie was missing is obvious. The movie you just saw did not feature Sonny Chiba. Sonny Chiba is like the bacon of cinema, he makes everything better. Shit, if you go back on this blog and examine all the movies listed in 10 Of My Favorite Bad Movies you’ll notice none of those movies have Sonny Chiba. I think you are now beginning to see why those movies are so bad. I mean if Sonny Chiba had been in The Beastmaster you’d have a completely different movie. You could put him in any role in that movie (except for Tanya Roberts role as Kiri, because Sonny Chiba is bottom to no one) and it instantly becomes a better movie.
Sonny Chiba as Dar The Beastmaster?
Well for starters he wouldn’t need a tiger to help him seduce/rape a woman! No sir Sonny Chiba would start by punching Ruh The Tiger in his big old tiger-jaw. This would lead to an epic fight scene where suddenly 10 more tigers would appear and Sonny Chiba would kick all their tiger-asses. Then, after eating his share of raw tiger meat, he’d go up to the woman in question, slap her and tell her “listen here bitch you are mine now”. See completely different movie. Hell Sonny Chiba as Maax is even better, as the new Chiba-fied Maax would beat the living shit out of Dar, John Amos in bondage gear and eat Sharak the Falcon and still fight Ruh The Tiger. Fuck Chiba can have a double role as Kodo and Podo and still kill Ruh The Tiger with his barehands. In fact Sonny Chiba in Beastmaster would end up with a fight betwen Chiba and Ruh The Tiger no matter what role he is playing simply because you want ot see Chiba kick the shit out of a tiger with his barehands and you know he can do it simply because he is Sonny MOTHERFUCKIN’ Chiba! I mean he palyed Golgo 13 for fuck’s sake! If you can play Duke Togo himself and make me believe you are Duke Togo, then you are a bonafide badass!
I already hear one person asking a question without raising their hand. “But James” this person asks “What makes Sonny Chiba so great that he makes any movie better?”
I shouldn’t have to answer that question. I mean the question itself is so ludicrous that ask it can only lead to ridicule. The simple fact is Sonny Chiba is awesome. In fact he is better than awesome, he surpasses awesome and enters the realm of SUPER-AWESOME (so awesome it demands to be typed in all caps). That being said, why wouldn’t you want someone who is SUPER-AWESOME in a movie you are watching? I mean settling for less tha nawesome means you settle for mere mediocrity and no one should ever have to settle for that. Sonny Chiba knows this! Yet, he is Sonny Chiba, settling for being merely awesome isn’t good enough for him. He knows this because he is Sonny Chiba and knows it is his destiny in life to be SUPER-AWESOME!
Think how great these movie roles would’ve been if Sonny Chiba played them…
Obi-Wan Kenobi – Chiba as Ben Kenobi would not tolerate Luke skywalker’s constant whining. His introduction to The Force would be an introduction to force! Luke would recieve a savage beating and be be told “Lightsabers are for pussies!”. Chiba-Wan Kenobi would then rip out Han Solo’s throat, steal the Millenium Falcon, as he declares “I hate The Sith more than anything and I would love to see the Empite destroyed!”. This all leads to a big showdown where headbutts Darth Vader in his respirator and blows up the Death Star by ramming his fist into a an exhaust shaft that is 2 meters wide and is gaurded by Ruh The Tiger in stormtrooper armor. He would then deflower Princess Leia as the Rebellion Throne Room March plays over the closing credits. All Hail Chiba-Wan Kenobi!
Prince Hamlet – After Chiba-Hamlet is informed by his father’s ghost (Toshiro Mifune) that his Uncle Claudius (Sir Christpher Lee) murdered him, Chiba-Hamlet determines that revenge is his only recourse. Chiba-Hamlet has no use for your soliloquies though. Unlike all those other Hamlet’s, who were all pussies, Chiba-Hamlet storms the castle and beats the living fuck out of everyone including his own mother Queen Gertrude (Meryl Streep). He is all set to face Claudius when Claudius reveals that he turned Chiba-Hamlet’s best gal Ophelia (Christina Ricci) into a deadly, sadistic Cyborg/Ninja. Chiba-Hamlet and Ophelia engage in a battle to the death where Ophelia dies in Chiba-Hamlet’s arms. Chiba-Hamlet is unfazed stating flatly “I’m glad that bitch is dead”. Now it is time for the big showdown with Caludius and his lackey Polonius (Ruh The Tiger). Shakespeare wishes he could write something this epically awesome!
Rhett Butler – As Rhett Butler, Chiba singlehandedly wins the U.S. Civil War in one day. He then goes to Tara, savagely throws Scarlett O’Hara down some stairs and then engages in a fight to the death with Mammy as played by Ruh The Tiger. He then ends the movie by saying “Bitch! Nobody fucks with Rhet Butler-sama!”. The best part of this version of Gone With The Wind? It would be no longer than 70 minutes, thus sparing the audience another 2 hoursof Scarlett O’Hara’s bullshit. America needs more heroes like Rhett Butler-sama, even if he is Japanese!
Right there are three movies that benefit from having our man Sonny Chiba in them, thus proving that there is no better actor on earth than Sonny Chiba. I mean he was in The Street Fighter for fuck’s sake as well as Return Of The Street Fighter and The Street Fighter’s Final Revenge. Why, he even lowered his high standards to play Taoist magician Seiichi Hibiki in Sister Street Fighter. Also if you need to have a Katana made then you need Hattori Hanzo to make it and only one man has played Hattori Hanzo so often that he can actually channel Hattori Hanzo’s knowledge knowledge of sword craft. That man is Sonny Chiba. He still has much to teach the world. He taught us that “When You Beat A Man They Call You Tough! When You Beat An Army They Call You… The Street Fighter!” and most importantly I think that we’ve learned that Sonny Chiba can totally kick Ruh The Tiger’s ass!