A Valid Point: I Should NOT Be Batman!
I don’t think it is any surprise for anyone to discover that I am a big old comic book nerd. I have been ever since I was a little kid. I put the blame of this squarely on my parents. See they forbade me from watching the Adam West Batman TV series as a child. I think we all know, forbidding a child to do something only encourages them to want to do it more and I was no different than any other 5 year old when I discovered the sheer awesome of Batman. Mind you, it wasn’t just the TV series I was denied. No Comic books, no cartoons featuring Batman and nothing at all with Batman on it whatsoever save for once a year when I was allowed to have Batman as the decoration on my birthday cake. When I would go to a friend’s house after school my mother would pin a note to me laying out to other parents what I was allowed to do and what I was not allowed to do. The first and last thing on that list read “NO BATMAN!”.
To this day I do not understand my parents phobia of Batman. What possible reason could they have for denying me the caped crusader?
Were they scared that their son would get inspired to put on leather suit and go prowl the rough Upper East Side of of the Yorkville area of Manhattan? I mean I was a chubby kid, even back then so the odds of that were non-existent. Besides, Yorkville isn’t exactly known for its crime rate, what with Gracie Mansion, the Mayor’s residence, being smack dab in the middle of it all. That meant more police in that neighborhood. I’m 37 now and still cannot figure it out… Why Did My Parents Hate Batman?
That isn’t to say I didn’t get my Batman fix elsewhere, like at school or reading the new issues on the newsstand, back when newsstands still carried comic books. If anything denying me Batman made me a bigger fan of the character. To this day I maintain that Batman is my favorite character in all of fiction. I love Batman more than I love any of Robert E. Howard’s characters, I love him more than the sly Odysseus and I love him more than James Bond. No matter how you slice it, Batman is awesome!
It was because of my love of Batman at an early age that I desired to read. Well… Batman can’t take all the credit because I also wanted to read Superman, Spider-Man and Captain America as well. So I was actually enamored by the entire comics medium really, but Batman was my favorite and to this day remains my favorite.
I mean sure the concept of Batman is amazing. 8 year old watches his parents gunned down in front of him, swears vengeance on their graves blah, blah, blah… we know the drill. We know what motivates him and why he is so good at what he does. I mean sure, realistically, if my parents had been killed in front of me, I would’ve been in shock for like 3 years and in therapy for like 20. Guess its a good thing I’m not Batman then. Fuck, I’d be a terrible Batman. Any crook with decent cardio could get away from me. I’d try to subdue a perp by reading him selections from Ayn Rand. See that will either put the criminal to sleep or make them become a right-wing investment banker. Either way, society wins! Justice wins! Ayn Rand Wins!*
Besides I’m Jewish. Someone would figure out that Batman never shows up during Rosh Hashanah and would then exploit that weakness. This is why if I were Batman I would need my Robin to be some gentile kid. Can’t you just see it now… “Sorry old chum, its after sundown on Friday. I don’t fight crime on the Sabbath!”. Of course with my luck my little WASP Robin would end up going hardcore Christian on me and watch Fox news. I’d have to get rid of the kid after he keeps switching my radio station in the Batmobile to talk radio. Let me be clear, THERE IS NO RUSH LIMBAUGH IN MY JEWISH BATMOBILE!
Fuck me! I’d have to replace him with some crazy ass Scientologist. Of course then I’d have another problem. What if we actually end up fighting some evil douchebag whose superpower is the ability to block somebody’s Thetans? Well then my little Scientologist Robin is as useless as Nina Hartley at a NAMBLA meeting! I’d have to bring WASP Robin back, unless I want to recruit one of those guys from the UK that got the Jedis recognized as a real religion. But I swear to God, the second he says anything about midichlorians he’ll be replaced by some Tibetan kid that looks like the Golden Child so fast, he’ll think the Sith has comeback to kick his ass!
Consider this as well, Batman is pretty much at the peak of human condition and a world class fighter. Climb a Bat-rope? No sir, not this Jewish Batman. Fuck you’d be lucky if I took the stairs. A fight breaks out between me and some thugs, once again I’d read them to death. Perhaps Ayn Rand is a bit too much for the criminal element. After all, criminals are a cowardly and superstitious lot. Maybe some Proust? Or better yet Camus! Nothing breaks up a bank robbery like a spirited discourse on existentialism. Yes, the criminal element will get a well structured lecture from Jewish Batman and you better believe there will be a quiz at the end!
Let’s face it True Believers, me as Batman is just a bad idea. I’d be the most cheese-steak eatin’ Caped Crusader EVER!
Do we need to go over how inept I’d be with my own utility belt? Bat-Claws in the eye, knocking myself out with my own Bat-a-rang and… honestly, there is a good chance I’d experiment with some auto-erotic-asphyxiation with the Bat-rope… What? Don’t look at me like that! Catwoman is a fine piece of ass dammit…. mmmm… Catwoman… mmmm… Julie Newmar…
Uh… where was I?
So in summation, be glad I am not Batman. I just don’t have what it takes. Leave the vigilante crimefighting to the pros, like Bruce Wayne. He won’t let something like having to make Hamantaschen for the Purim Carnival at Temple get in the way of his kicking the crap out of the bad guys. His single-mindedness is what you want in the long run because we seriously don’t need Batman complaining about how fucking hungry he is when we are only 6 hours deep into Yom Kippur!
*Ayn Rand winning is not necessarily a good thing!