10 Of My Favorite Bad Movies – The 5 That Didn’t Make It!
With 10 Of My Favorite Bad Movies wrapping up this week, it seems only fair to take a look at soe movies that just missed the cut. I mean there are hundreds of movies that are worse than Billy Jack, but they are not nearly as much fun to watch or to make fun while watching. The key lies in that while Cobra is terrible, it is terrible in a way that makes it almost palatable. I mean no one should have to sit through a bad movie that is… well… y’know… bad… a movie that is so bad that you cannot laugh at it, is a movie I have no interest in seeing, nor should you. So here are 5 movies that just miss the cut.
1. Manos The Hands Of Fate – This movie was already immortalized in the best-worst episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. I could never be as savage to this movie as Joel and the bots were so why try? Besides trying to watch the non-MST3K version of Manos is pure torture. The movie is SO BAD that you just sit there, numb to the world and you come out of watching it looking like you just visited the Yad Vashem Memorial. Manos The Hands Of Fate NEEDS the running MST3K commentary because otherwise it is just plain unwatchable!
2. Judge Dredd – Sweet Jesus! Another Stallone flick? Really? Yes and on top of that, it is another BAD COMIC BOOK MOVIE! Stallone murders the english language, Rob Schneider hams it up for the camera and we don’t even get Judge Death. This crapfest is really bad and deserves every bit of vitriolic hate I can muster. Sly and director Danny Cannon make me hate Judge Dredd, something I didn’t think was possible. I mean Judge Dredd is a movie that makes me so mad because it doesn’t even try to get anything right. It fails as a representation of the comic (though Constantine fails way more as representation of its source material) and it fails as any sort of entertaining cinema. In other words Judge Dredd just fails!
3. Aces: Iron Eagle III – Y’know, Iron Eagle was a decent little Pro-America flick. I mean it was pretty much Top Gun-lite but it is totally inoffensive to watch on your local cable station during a rain delayed baseball game. However, it totally didn’t merit a sequel, let alone 2 sequels. Choosing which of the 2 sequels is worse or more improbable is actually quite simple. Aces: Iron Eagle 3 has the distinction of featuring Sonny Chiba, yes THAT Sonny Chiba, as a grumpy pilot that doesn’t get along with anyone. The entire theme of the film was mocked in an episode of Family Guy, as well it deserved to be. This also makes it the WORST movie of Sonny Chiba’s career and I satthrough Message From Space! But back to Iron Eagle II… You can take the worst of the Police Academy movies and it is still better than Iron Eagle III. In summation, this movie makes Iron Eagle II look like it is less than a piece of shit. That in itself is quite an accomplishment.
4. Karate Kid III – How bad is this movie? So bad that 2 of my friends who love The Karate Kid didn’t even know it existed! They thought the Mr. Miyagi Saga (because really, who gives a shit about Daniel anymore?) went Karate Kid, Karate Kid II and The Next Karate Kid. They either were either in denial about Karate Kid III ever existing or intentionally blocked it from ther minds. To do either is actually perfectly acceptable. I mean the concept of Cobra Kai getting their revenge on Daniel is fucking fantastic in theory but man did it Blow Moses in execution. I mean Cobra Kai Sifu John Kreese shouldn’t be relying on his rich buddy from ‘Nam to recruit a dirty fighter. Kreese should’ve found his own fighter and trained him to be an absolute killer. I mean the plot that Kreese and his buddy Silver come up with is just way to elaborate and stupid to ever be effective. Honestly though, I know why this movie sucked hog dick and it isn’t just the story… it lacked Tamlyn Tomita, who played Daniel’s Japanese girlfriend Kumiko in the previous movie. This movie would’ve been scads better with her returning to cheer Daniel on and possibly give him some Exotic Oriental Massage. Wax On, Wax Off indeed!
5. Night Of The Lepus – The premise of this movie is so incredible that it deserves a spot on the actual top 10 list, but it being horrible overall precludes it at the same time. I mean thje story is about a crazy scientist trying to interrupt the breeding cycle of rabbits through use of newly developed serum. Of course his daughter gets attatched to the serum’s final test subject, swaps him out with a rabbit in the control phase of the experiment and things just get worse from there. If you are still reading this synopsis of Night Of The Lepus and are still interested in the rest of the article, congratulations. I’m WRITING this synopsis for Night Of The Lepus and I don’t want to continue! Anyway, control rabbit escapes, breeds and this results in the next generation of Super Bunnies to become Giant Carnivores. Now when I sat Giant Carnivores, i don’t mean they get big appetites for meat. I mean they grow t othe size of a house and EAT PEOPLE! This movie should rule, I mean you’ve got human beings getting devoured by GIANT rabbits. Even better is that we’ve got DeForrest Kelly in this bad boy. Dr. McCoy versus Giant Rabbits, what’s not to love?
So there are the fabled 5 that missed the cut. I mean if you feel you MUST watch all my selections, then by all means hunt down a copy of Night Of The Lepus. I wouldn’t recommend it but please feel free. Trust me, at least the 10 mivues that got selected for my final list are bad but in a good way. These movies above, are just plain bad. I mean if KISS Versus The Phantom Of The Park wasn’t a TV movie, it would so be in my top 10. Fuck I’ probably have EVERY Lifetime Original movie that ever starred Greg Evigan on these lists… but that would require me to watch Lifetime (or the Lifetime Movie channel, yes such a thing is real) and that my friends will never happen! So my final words of wisdom, only watch these movies if ou are forced to at gunpoint. Because your life being threatened is the only should you ever watch Aces: Iron Eagle III!