10 Of My Favorite Bad Movies – #2 (tie) Supergirl/Superman IV – The Quest For Peace
Note: This week I wrap-up “10 Of My Favorite Bad Movies”. The last 3 enteries (technically 4 as you will see below) will post Monday, Wednesday & Friday. Tuesday and Thursday will have other content (possibly about Kamen Rider) and then J-Band Of The Week on November 1st. That’s the set-up for the week. Enjoy it!
When it comes to Superhero movies, more specifically American Superhero movies, there is no middle ground. Either the movie is good or it is a total assfactory of an attempt. Lately there fave been way more bad American Superhero movies made than good. The exception to these have been Dark Knight and Iron Man, both done really well, both excellent that to call either ‘Attempts’ really does not do them justice. Then there are the rest, the actual attempts that are just so awful that you want to gouge out your eyes and probe your own brain with a barbed wire Q-Tip. Movies that fall into this category include Ghost Rider, Watchmen, the furst Hulk movie, 3 of the 4 X-Men movies, all the Batman movies from the 90s (not counting the animated ones), any movie bearing the name of the Punisher and of course, Superman Returns. Lord knows I wanted to like Superman Returns and while the first 30 minutes or so are quite good, I cannot forgive the remaining 120 minutes.
Sadly, Superman’s track record of good movies pretty much stopped after 1978’s Superman – The Movie. I adore Superman – The Movie, as it gets everything about Superman right, I mean seriously this movie is spot on its depiction of Superman (not so much on the Clark Kent side, even in the Silver Age and Golden Age Clark was never portrayed so buffoonishly). So why hasn’t Hollywood been able to make another good Superman movie?
This brings us to today’s #2. It is a pretty much a dead tie between Superman IV – The Quest For Peace and Supergirl. Both mvoies are equally horrendous. Both movies manage to fuck-up Superman yet again. Hell, Superman IV actually made a villain played by Richard Pryor seem more dangerous than Lex Luthor as played by Gene Hackman. I mean of the 4 original Superman movies, the fourth is just so unbelievably awful that I left the theater thinking “What the FUCK just happened?”.
I mean, Superman determines that he has to rid the world of nuclear weapons, Lex Luthor builds an evil Super-Clone named Nuclear Man and Lois Lane really doesn’t do much of anything. I mean… Nuclear Man? Really? Idon’t know which is worse Nuclear man or Jon Cryer as Lenny Luthor (fuck I wish both of those things were just hallucinations picked from my fevered brain). Let me expand a bit. Lex Luthor (and his nephew Lenny… FUCK!) steal a sample of Superman’s hair, combine it with genetic material and manage to get said sample thrown into the sun where Superman has been tossing all of the world’s unclear arms. The sun acts as a giant centrifuge and creates an evil Superman clone that ISN’T Bizarro and blond. Thus we get Nuclear Man, who is totally solar-powered and thus completely useless after 6pm in the months of December through April. Superman and Nuclear-Turd fight (in broad daylight, bad move there Kal-El) which results in Nuclear Man scratching Superman. Not punches his heart out of his body, not kicks his alien ass back to Krypton… no he scratches him, on he neck no less! It is like the world’s worst catfight!
Oh but this scratch is something special. Does it rob Superman of his amazing abilities?
No nothing that drastic.
Does it make him Super-stupid like that one time he was exposed to Red Kryptonite in the comics?
FUCK! I wish it did that! A movie with Super-stupid Superman would be AWESOME! He’d be like a superpowered retard in blue pajamas. That right there is a movie that pays for itself right there! I mean retarded Superman going on a berserk rampage because “Batman Scary!” or because he saw a spider is just too incredible that you’d HAVE TO SEE IT!
Anyway about this scratch…this scratch gives Superman something he can’t cope with… THE FLU! Min you this is Kryptonian-Nuclear powered flu. So he gets all phlegmy and has a fever. Even Lois Lane’s chicken soup doesn’t work. What do you expect? Word to the wise there Supes, don’t have a shiksa make your chicken soup. You gentiles have no idea what you’re doing when it comes to chicken soup I swear to God!
Hell if anything the Superman movie franchise has taught us 2 very important lessons. Lois can’t cook and she is, quite possibly the world’s worst investigative reporter for a major new outlet… EVER! I mean even retarded Superman could figure out that he was Clark Kent but here is poor Lois, still reeling from that kiss our boy Clark gave her in Superman II! I mean those Kryptonian men were some serious pimps if they could master the Kryptonian Mind Erasing Tongue Swirl!
Meanwhile, back in Superman IV… Supes uses the last of his old Kryptonian green crystals to get better, because, again Lois Lane is a Shiksa, can’t cook and is fooled by a pair of glases and parting one’s hair differently. The big rematch with Nuclear Man goes down, Superman prevails, puts Lex Luthor in jail and Lenny Luthor (SWEET FUCK~!) in reform school and then does his little fly off in space thing as he smiles to the people in the audience and a John Williams score plays.
Just writing that synopsis made me go all Le Chiffre and start weeping tears of blood, I hate to imagine what has happened to those of you that actually read it. If you think that’s bad, I still have to talk about Supergirl. Fuck, Supergirl… I mean Why was this movie made? What is this movie even about? I mean I can always go to Wikipedia and read a synopsis but that will just remind me that I sat through this in theaters… TWICE! I could watch this movie again today and if you asked me “James, what exactly happened in Supergirl?” I’d blink twice and tell you plainly that I have no fucking idea and then find a blue blanket to hold and start sucking my thumb. I mean fuck, they paid actors to be in this movie. GOOD ACTORS like Peter O’Toole, Faye Dunaway and Mia Farrow. Hell it had Brenda Vacarro who was pretty MILFy for a gal in her mid-forties. I remember something about the Phantom Zone… and Faye Dunaway using a Kryptonian superscience thing-a-mabob to bend reality, making her think she was was a witch and… Helen Slater looking really good in those red boots… and FUCK! I just remembered plot points from Supergirl! I now what it feels like to have one’s own brain melt… I… I… lord I hate this movie… I hate it with a fire that burns with a the power of a billions suns!
But this doesn’t settle the debate of “Which is worse, Superman IV – The Quest For Peace or Supergirl?”. No what you, as a reader do not realize, is that in a case like this, there is no winner. By sitting through not one but BOTH of these harrowing odes to bad taste I have lost any sense of what is right and what is wrong. For Jesus’ Jock Strap! I just said I’d enjoy a movie with Super-retarded Superman as the main character! Does that sound like the writings of a SANE MAN? I mean we’ve had 5 non-retarded Superman movies and only one of them was any good! What would make me think Super-retarded Superman would be any better?
No these films are eternally struggling with one another for worst Supermovie movie of all time. I mean they are both that bad. I mean, if I ever reproduce, I’m not going to send my children to their rooms or have them take a ‘Time Out’. No sir, little Harold Jordan Harris and Bartholomew Allen Harris are going to be forced to sit in a dark room and watch BOTH Superman IV – The Quest For Peace AND Supergirl. If either of them can tell me the actual plot of Supergirl then they will be rewarded with a Doctorate’s degree in film studies from UCLA. They’ll have earned it!
So in summation, most modern superhero movies make me want to weep tears of blood, some actors will do anything for a buck and Superman IV – The Quest For Peace and Supergirl are so bad that you should use them as a form of punishment on small children. Also, no matter how great Brenda Vaccaro’s rack is, it can’t make Supergirl a good movie. Hell Brenda Vaccaro could’ve done full frontal and Supergirl would still be awful! When not even tits can save a movie then you know for sure, IT SUCKS!