10 Of My Favorite Bad Movies – #3 Disorderlies
Musicians and movies, a combo that goes incredibly well or horribly wrong. For every good Elvis movie there is an equally bad Elvis movie. For A Hard Day’s Night there is Magical Mystery Tour. There are exceptions, Joan Jett for example, was in Light Of Day a surprisingly good (if not underrated) movie. However no musical genre has produced a larger stable of bad movies than Rap/Hip-Hop. I mean outside of Krush Groove you’d be hard pressed to name a good rap movie (Ed Lover and Dr. Dre’s Who Da Man? being an obvious exception to the rule). If we need to trace where Rap and mvies first collidied into a well of suck than we need only point the finger at The Fat Boys and their foray into “comedy” Disorderlies. Say, remember how related the story to everyone about taking my Father to see Cobra and how I’m pretty sure he never really forgave me for it? Yeah, I did something far worse to Grandmother. While visiting her in Florida during the summer of 1987 and made her go see Disorderlies with me. My family doesn’t like to talk about me much…
It isn’t like I’m trying to be intenionally cruel to my family members… well maybe to my sister, she made go see Ice Castles with her 3 times for God’s Sake! I’ll believe almost anything in a movie. I mean there was a time I was convinced that China was the most dangerous place in the world because random Kung-Fu fights would break out between Shaolin Monks and The White Lotus Clan. But Ica Castles is a movie about a girl from Iowa who becomes a top figure skater, loses her sight and then makes a comeback as a BLIND FIGURE SKATER~! First of all, Ice Castles came out in 1978. I was six years old. There is no six year old boy in his right mind that would WANT to see Ice Castles. It is a movie about figure skating… FIGURE SKATING! A six year old in 1978 doiesn’t give fuck all about figure skating. A six year old in 1978 only cares about seeing Star Wars for 12th time or Superman: The Movie. Speaking as a 6 year old in 1978 I can promise you, I sure as fuck didn’t want to go see Ica Castles once, let alone the two more times my sister made me go when she was baby-sitting me. I had to watch a blind girl figure skate 3 times and each time a part of my young innocent soul died. So I’m taking this part of my review to say this to my sister Lisa… FUCK YOU! I STILL HAVEN’T FORGIVEN YOU FOR THAT SHIT!
Now, as far as Disorderlies goes. Any movie where The Fat Boys are playing home care providers should let you know that you are, in fact, watching some high fantasy. I mean Tolkien wished he could write somethign this insane. See Winslow Lowry is trying to off his uncle billionaire uncle Albert Dennison. Winslow is played by Anthony Geary aka Luke of General Hospital fame so that right there tells the level of talent they went after ffor this contribution to film. Of course Albert Dennison is played by Ralph Bellmay, who played Randolph Duke, one of the 2 racist Duke brothers in Trading Places. Ralph Bellamy was old in Trading Places and that was in 1983. This movie was 4 years older and Ralph Bellamy wasn’t any younger. Anyway, Winslow is a sleazy little fuck, who is deep in debt and i trying to off his Uncle sicne he is sole beneficiary. It just so happens that The Fat Boys have lost their jobs as hospital orderlies. To say that this movie relies on thold sledgehammer of plot is a gross, gross understatemnt.
So in come The Fat Boys to Albert Dennison’s life. They nearly kill him by accident a few times and Kool Rock-Ski almost drowns in a pool. To relax The Fat Boys rap i ntheir spare time, even going as far as to rap over The Beatles. Seriously, this movie is the equivalent of getting gang raped in The Born Losers. I mean c’mon man, there are soemthings you just don’t do and having The Fat Boys rap to The Beatles “Baby You’re A Rich Man” is one of them. FUCK! Having anyone rap over The Beatles should be a stoning offense in EVERY country and strctly adhered to by the Geneva Conventions! You know what, to my dear sister Lisa, I apologize for my comments above, you know the whole Ice Castles rant? Yeah forget that shit, I forgive you. I have a new target for my venomous derision, because if he weren’t already dead I’d kill Michael Jackson myself for al.owing this travesty to have occurred.
Fuck! I’ve given myself a migraine just writing about this fetid heap of trash on celluloid. To think that if Michael Jackson hadn’t been such an insufferable douche bag and outbid our man Paul, the Lennon/McCartney catalog would be in safe hands. Instead Jacko has to be greedy little fucker and lease out 3/4 of The Beatles catalog to anyone with a big enough checkbook (well ok, he didn’t exactly do that, but he could have and THAT is what should fucking terrify you!). We’d be spared the Nike “Revolution” debate and in turn the friendship between Jackson and McCarntey would have endured resulting in more collaboration. Ok, that is a mixed bag, I fully admit it, since the 2 tracks we got fro mthem resulted in semi-brilliance (“Say Say Say” from McCartney’s Pipes Of Peace Album) and the other was one of the worst songs on Thriller (“The Girl Is Mine” is pretty goddam awful compared to everything else on the record).
Oh hey! I was reviewing Disorderlies wasn’t I? Yeah I was! So The Fat Boys get onto Tony Geary’s little scheme, help Ralph Bellamy out and get to live the high life. Pretty fucking simpe. I mean it is basically a Three Stooges short expanded to 86 minutes and for an added bonus The Three Stooges in this movie are racially diverse. Hmmm… so if The Fat Boys are The Three Stooges does that Markie or Kool Rock-Ski Moe? I mean Buff Love (aka The Human Beat Box) is obviously Curly right? Or maybe they are supposed to be some bizarre mash-uop of The stooges that never worked together. Like a Shemp, Moe and Curly comco? I mean none of the Fat Boys is weird enough to Larry. Fuck, this has me baffled…
FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
Now I’m going to have to watch Disorderlies again to figure this out. Of course this begs the question… If The Fat Boys are The Three Stooges, who are The Marx Brothers of Hip-Hop? The Beastie Boys? Tha Dogg Pound? The Ghetto Boys? The mind boggles (Note: It really doesn’t, the answer is obviously The Beastie Boys).
So to sum up what I’ve said here today… I really fucking hate the movie Ice Castles! It is terrible beyond belief. Ice Castles did to me what, in all likeliness, I did to my Grandmother by taking her to see Disorderlies. Scarred her for the rest of her days. My Grandma wa a kind Jewish lady from chicago, she didn’t deserve that shit. But given what the other movie playing was , I was pretty much fucked either way. No one should make their own Granmother watch Dolph Lundren play He-Man!
Also, I don’t care if he is dead now FUCK MICHAEL JACKSON!
Just… just man I hope he is in the Center of Hell, burning in the mouth of Satan with Cassius, Brutus and Judas!