Mechanical Monkeys & Other Hijinks At The Gaming Table
I never should’ve let him play an Artificer. It was my own damn fault. I was well aware of the depth of cleverness and raw creative thinking power. I should’ve know that by letting him play an Artificer I’ve left my Dungeons & Dragons Game open to the type of mass chaos that will only lead to the return of the equally damnable weasel!
I know what all of you are thinking right now, “What the FUCK is he talking about?”
I am speaking of my weekly Dungeons & Dragons game. In my endless pursuit of true geek nirvana I run an Oriental Adventures (henceforth referred to as ‘OA’) campaign every Saturday with a semi-regular group of semi-regulars. There is my dear friend Cindi, who is still irked that I won’t let her play an elf Ranger, despite the fact I’ve been running various OA campaigns in which she has played on and off for 5 years. In that time I have never allowed elvish Rangers in my game world. Yet Cindi maintians that glimmer of hope, that one day she can play some sort of Japanese School Girl Elf Ranger. I just don’t have the heart to tell her that this will, in fact, never happen.
Then there is Josh. Good, reliable and always on time, that is Josh aka ‘Statboy’. Josh is the only player in the current game that was there when the campaign began. I lost 3 players to 2 pregnancies. Don’t ask me to explain the math on that one, I need some obscure Lovecraftian form of Mathematics and I already babble to myself enough thank you very much. Yet despite the constant turmoil of people joining and then leaving my game, Josh is there, ready to calculate hit percent averages for THAC0, which is kind of sad because we are playing AD&D Ver. 3.5, so there is no THAC0. Please don’t tell him, he works so hard at it.
Then there is the recent newly added member to the group Melissa. I have met Melissa all of twice now and I have determined that she just might be th greatest GIRL to ever sling dice. She gave her oriental character an African name (“She’s really confused” chimed Melissa), who is also a member of an order of lesbianic Rangers (“She is REALLY confused!” says Melissa). If Cindi gets mad at me for not leting her play something as simpe as an elvish Ranger imagine how mad at me she was that Melissa got to play a Ranger who is always trying to get in her pants?
Of course this brings us to the last member of our little gaming cadre. Christopher Curran aka Grill Ninja. I’ve been gaming with Grill Ninja on and off for 6 years now. Ninja’s ADD riddled brain makes for a brilliant Game Master and an entirely frustrating Player Charater. That isn’t to say that I haven’t been a pain in his ass when I play in his games (one day, I will share with you the tale of Plum Freemason, elvish Rogue and general pain in the ass or her hippie Druid sister Peach, or even worse Sanchez Santiago Domingo Sanchez… Vampire Hunter!).
To understand how Ninja’s brain works when it comes to gaming, first take one of the most brilliant people you’ve ever known, then add equal parts ADD, caffiene and hyperactive imagination. If ever ther was a person that is a living example of the Single Synapse Theory (thought to action in one electric leap) it is the man known as Grill Ninja!
How does him being in my game equate to calamity and the return of a weasel?
Let us flashback to 2002. I began my epic OA campaign that Ninja played in. He palyed a shapshifting Weasel Sorcerer named Warui O-Tenki. Warui was insane. He had the most bloody simple combat tactic. He would cast invisibility on himself when a fight would break out, cast Hold Person on an enemy and then as the opponent would stand there frozen and unable to move at all, Warui would then olbiterate them with a barrage of Magic Missile spells. If he did it once or twice, it wouldn’t be a big deal. But this happeend EVERY FIGHT!
Of course there were other Warui related hijinks in that game but I’ll save those for antoher time. In the current game, Ninja decided to play an Artificer. I’ve never had an Artificer in my parties before so I figured it would make for fun RP. Now, for those not in the know, an Artificer is basically an engineer who builds magical mechanical devices. Basically take Bruce Sato from the old M.A.S.K. cartoon, now our man Bruce would always make these cazy toys. Now imagine those wacky toys WITH MAGIC POWERS!
I should’ve known better. The second Ninja was allowed to play an Artificer he began plotting his first ‘Masterpiece’ and it has been a thorn in my side ever since. The sad thing is, he hasn’t even built the damn thing. The thing in question? Imagine a monkey. Now, imagine a fully lifelike mechanical monkey. Now imagine said mechanical monkey imbued with magical enhancements. The mind boggles at the sheer insanity and chaos that will reasult if Ninja is allowed to make this monstrosity.
Even worse, Ninja and Melissa are the worlds’ sweetest boyfriend and girlfriend in real life (in game Melissa is a lebian Ranger or did you forget that little detail?). Anyway, ever since Ninja came up with the plan for these insane monkeys (did I mention he wants to bild AN ARMY OF MECHANICAL MONKEYS OF DOOM) he has apparently been talking about them non-stop and it might slowly be driving Melissa insane. When Melissa learned that Ninja was playing an artificer the words “Oh honey, not again! You promised you wouldn’t make another one of those again!”. Right then and there I should’ve devised a plan to kill Ninja’s Artificer AT THAT VERY MOMENT~!
I can’t imagine the pain and suffering Ninja inflicted upon some other poor Game Master. Now it is my turn. I can’t make the same stupid mistakes I made when he was playing Warui, like give his character a Ninja Hangglider (longstory) or give him a Bag of Devouring as a Wizard’s familiar (An even longer story… though to make it simple, he kept the Bag of Devouring happy by feeding it prostitutes)
My dilemma is , if I let him make the damn monkey I’ll regret it later. Because for Ninja, one mechanical magic monkey is never enough. He’ll keep building them. Even worse, he’ll be like Noonian Sung, always seeking to perfect the monkeys, in the hopes that he will make a mechanical monkey that is so perfect that it will be almost impossible to tell it apart from a REAL MONKEY! HE’LL TRY TO MAKE DATA & LOR FROM STAR TREK THE NEXT GENERATON BUT AS MONKEYS DAMMIT!
The sad thing is, I can’t say “No Ninja you can’t make a mechacal magic monkey”. If I do that, he’ll just find a way to bring it up into every conversation for the rest of all human time. If I say “No Ninja, you can’t have a Mechanical Magic Monkey”, my Facebook profile would be swarmed by Friend Requests for Mechanical Magic Monkeys. I don’t need to see “Mechanical Magic Monkey626 Wants To Be Your Friend!”. If I say “No Ninja, you cannot have a mechanical magic monkey” the epitaph on my headstone will read ‘Here Lies James, He Wouldn’t Let Grill Ninja Have A Mechanical Magic Monkey’. No matter how you slice it, I can’t win. Somewhere in his secret lair, Grill Ninja is laughing at me and I totally deserve it!
Next Brave Blog: Advenures At Marvel Comics Or How James Met Stan Lee & Nearly Wet His Pants!