An Open Letter To Her Royal Majesty Queen Elizabeth The Second
I hope all is well. It has been a rough 20 years for you and the family, what with your chief heir falling in love with a bull terrier and that whole toe-sucking fiasco with the Duchess of York. Did I mention the tragedy of Princess Diana’s death? No? Yeah there was that too. I realize you don’t have much in the way of real political power but surely you can get someone to draft a bill to prevent Elton John from ever singing at anyone’s funeral ever again.
You’ve had it rough Your Majesty and the last thing you need is some ‘colonist’ writing you on some pointless blog. Do you even get the Internet at Buckingham Palace? I mean I assume you do and that you use it for what most people around the world do, downloading porn. We all secretly know Prince Philip has caught you staring longingly at that photo set of the Earl of Wyndhan in nothing but a dickie and spats. No wonder you are still lamenting the diminsihing of the British Empire since the last century. Sadly no empire truly lasts forever. I mean look at us over here in the United States, we can barely maintain our Superpower status these days because we decided to try our hand at foreign imperialism and nation building. It has not worked out that great. I mean you guys had the right idea, go into a country where they have no idea who you are and THEN subjugate them. The natives took a100 years or so to figure you out and THEN they decided to kick you out. We made that tragic error of going into countries where the natives knew EXACTLY who we were and what our intentions were. More importantly they already hated us. I can’t stress that enough, THEY HATED US ALREADY!
But enough of this pseudo-political discourse. I have more pressing matters to discuss. You see Your Majesty, in the past you’ve bestowed certain individuals with titles and honors for their accomplishments. You bestowed the MBE upon all four members of The Beatles and doled out knighthoods to actors like Anthony Hopkins, Ian McKellan and even, for some reason that escapes me, musicians such as the previously mentioned Elton John. I think you should also have the common decency to revoke those titles at any given time. I mean I love Sir Ben Kingsley but he needs to be made an example of. You shouldn’t get to make a movie like Bloodrayne and still keep your title. It just shouldn’t work that way.
Why you’ve even bestowed honors upon some favored Americans from time to time, which is mighty kind of you given our whole throwing off your oppressive yoke back in the 18th century. The fact that you don’t really hold a grudge over that demonstrates a forgiving nature and who doesn’t appreciate a forgiving monarch?
Now I know it isn’t customary for you listen to a mere commoner such as myself, but according some of my relatives there is a very distant relation between us. I know you must be shocked to have a Jew in the family. Trust me, my family would freak out huge if they found out there were a bunch of Anglicans in our family tree. I mean You are Queen of England, Ireland, Wales and Scotland but to us, your still a shiksa. However, if you were to convert then my great Aunt might talk to you at the family reunion. She is a good woman to have on your side and she makes a wicked knish, just don’t ask her for the recipe. That is how we lost Cousin Rose.
I’m losing my train of thought here Your Majesty so let me cut to the chase. It is high time you bestowed a knighthood on the greatest living American thespian. This man has made millions smile with his dedication to the perfection of his craft. Why he has acted across decades at times to show his depth. He has played such roles as a Quantum Physiscist trapped in the body of mentally handicapped man, a Quantum Physisicst trapped in the body of Lee Harvey Oswald and a Quantum Physisicst trapped in the body of Dr. Ruth Westheimer. Surely continually playing a role within a role takes immense talent that is equal to your Sir Anthony Hopkins don’t you think?
He also portrayed a past his prime college Quarterback, that is a position in American Football Your Majesty, that leads a team of misfits to a middling college football season in the classic film Necessary Roughness. I am speaking of course about Scott Bakula. Mr. Bakula is beloved here in America and you better believe I’m going to be writing The Kennedy Center For Performing Arts about paying tribute to him, as they have done for Mel Brooks and countless others. Be the first to acknowledge Mr. Bakula Your Majesty, show-up those snobs at the Kennedy Center. You are the Queen of All Britain and they are a performing arts center named for a legendary philanderer (I mean, sure he was our 35th President but trust me, we are more impressed that he was both the 35th President AND a legendary philanderer).
His list of credits is legendary. I mean the man has done more than just 5 seasons of Quantum Leap and the aforementioned Necessary Roughness. There were those 14 episodes of Murphy Brown he did as well as the lead of D’Amore in Clive Barker’s Lord Of Illusions. Why there are a myriad of other roles Your Majesty, so many that I humbly beseech you to Knight this thespian of the highest caliber. Furthermore… wait, Your Majesty is that… pardon me Your Majesty, what is that you are putting in the Royal DVD Player? Is that Enterprise? Your Majesty I must strongly advise that you don’t… Your Majesty I must insist that you don’t… It isn’t that he isn’t good in it, its just the material he was given… look Your Majesty, even Anthony Hopkins was in Freejack!
Next Brave Blog: Stuff from My Past!